Confessions of a Grande Diva, Chapter Five

Now, my darlings, I don’t wish to give you the false impression that my life is all theater nonsense and semi-nude dalliances on the balcony of my beautiful Boston Brahmin gated apartment complex. In point of fact, as Skipper casually mentioned, I’m a successful marketing executive, and selflessly work an exhausting six (sometimes seven!) hours a day as Vice President of Community Outreach at the non-profit and very well meaning Spangler Organization, a group dedicated to ending hunger in our lifetime, or some such nonsense.    

Oh! That was terrible. I do apologize. Sometimes I just get too cynical for my own good. The truth is, they are all terribly well-meaning people. Every single one of them, down to the janitor, cares a great deal about simply everything.

Take this exchange with Louise Reinhart, my long-suffering administrative assistant, when I skulked into the office at ten o’clock on Monday morning:

LOUISE: How did auditions go, boss? Did you get the role?

DANTE: Kitten, if you ever mention the word Sweeney Todd to me again I’ll cut you with a razor!

LOUISE: (Looking confused, the poor dear.) Does that mean you didn’t get it? Or are you just in character?

DANTE: Coffee, dear girl! COFFEE!

( More, more, oh God, there's more... )