My Unasked-for Review of the latest Harry Potter movie

"This is going to be a miserable experience."

I closed my eyes and gripped my hands against the sides of my seat.

"I'm starting to feel nauseous already."

What was Theo up to? That's it, I'll pay attention to what Theo's up to. That might take the attention away from...

"Two hours." Deep sigh. "I'm going to have the worst pain in my neck by the time that this thing's through..."

Finally, I turned to Corb, and whispered to him, trying to make myself heard against the crash and bang of the coming attractions. "I told you, there were three seats a few rows back."

Corb squinted his eyes. "Huh?"

I raised my voice, just a bit. "I told you--three seats, few rows back! WE COULD MOVE!"

"But there are four of us."

I tried my best to make my voice sound pathetic and small, and still have it heard over a preview of Balls of Fury. "I can sit alone, if you'd like."

Corb shook his head, seeing through my ploy. "No. That's okay."

"Or Theo could sit on my lap!"

Corb stared at me. "Or not. What happened to the 8:45?"

"The wha--?"

"THE 8:45!"

"Oh, I asked the ticket person about that. Turns out there isn't one. Those people who said there was an 8:45 here were wrong. THEY DESERVE TO ROT IN HELL! The next movie is 9:45."

"Guess we're stuck here, then."

Why does it happen, every time? I always make sure I buy our tickets online, so we don't have to stand in line, but we always arrive just before the movie starts, meaning we always get stuck in the first row. Which means that we have to crane our heads to look up at the screen, and Corb has to duck his head, a bit, so that the people behind him won't get mad. If anything rushes across the screen, it's all a blur.

I tell you, it's incredibly frustrating. But if you're ever in a movie theater, and see a tall blond guy and a devastatingly handsome bald man bickering in the front row, you'll know exactly what's going on: Corb and I have shown up, once again, right before the movie's about to start, and we're going to pay the price for it, too, with two first-class pains in the neck.

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