tedwords

"You can't always get what you want." Mick Jagger

So, this is our 13th cruise, and during our years of adventuring, we have of course had good excursions and bad.

There was the time, for example, we had to race back to the ship in a public bus sitting next to a chicken. But I think from now on, the gold standard for a bad excursion will forever be known as the "Scenic Castles of Flanders."

Even the pedestrian name should have been a tip off.

During this four hour exercise in tediousness, we were forced to endure a by-the-book lecture from our tour guide, a retired principal, on a variety of topics that were no doubt quite fascinating to him. He had a lovely way of delivering his lectures, which usually involved starting a sentence, stopping because he would get distracted by something in the rode, and then speaking in Belgian to the bus driver. But when he did complete a thought, some of the topics he discussed included:

Drinking beer in different locations in Belgium
His doctor, who told him to drink beer with a higher alcohol content
His wife and how much more attractive she was than the Belgian security guard, who would "inspect our toilet if she could"
More tales of drinking beer and all the places he drank beer at
Stories of his many years spent as a principal
A promise that we would get to see where he lived for 28 years as a principal (presumably drinking beer)...and then, never showed us this spot.
Oh, and did I mention, drinking beer?

We also were allowed the privilege of going to see several public access locations. Well, the outsides of the buildings, that is. Okay, to be completely honest, we saw the inside of the monastery for 15 minutes. Being an ever efficient Belgian professor, we were told, not a minute more!

But scenic castles? No, no, no. We were actually told by our ever-efficient tour guide, "if we wanted to go inside a scenic castle, we should have booked a different tour." Oh, great.

The only part of any of the scenic castles we were allowed to go in? I kid you not: the rest room for ONE of the two castles we saw. And while the tour guide also walked into the gift shop at the same time we were allowed to view the rest rooms, we weren't allowed to go in there.

At the second castle, we were told there was a lovely tea shop at this location, but it was not open to us, and "if we wanted to go and have some nice tea, we should have booked the tour in July or August." How helpful! What was I thinking, booking this excursion when I did? Shame on me!

Look, I have been on fairly pedestrian tours before, and certainly, this one was not one of the more expensive excursions we booked. But I will tell you what the tour guides to do to liven things up--they add props. On the first tour we took this week, to the Monastery, we were given handouts and photos that were passed about. Or, on other tours in the Caribbean, we have been given bits of chocolate to taste, or rum to drink, to get a feel for the local flavor. Belgium is known for..heck, so much! Chocolate, and waffles, and yes, even beer. Share some of that, dude! It wouldn't have taken you much.

Instead we got to hear him talk about beer, even though, not once during this four hour tour were we even offered so much as water. "No time, we are going to hit traffic," he would say. And when at the end we reach the "traffic jam," it didn't even compare to what we get in Boston on a moderate day!

During the return from the second castle, I think he could tell the group was a bit hostile, because he spent most of the time talking to the lady next to him and not addressing the group at all. We arrived back twenty minutes early, and told by him to use that time on the cruise ship enjoying the sun. Swell!

Ye gods, this tour was a complete waste of time. I would have had more fun staring at my navel. Some Belgian waffles taste really dry.