Band and bickering
Oct. 16th, 1983 11:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tedwordsWent with Sandy to band competition today. Steve was really happy to see me. He was really busy, since he is band manager. He said to wait where I was to speak with him.
Finally, I couldn't wait any longer, so I had to get into Sandy's car and drive to the competition. We sat in front of Mrs. McAfee and the Greenes. Lynn McAfee was upset because she hurt her ankle and couldn't perform during the game, so she was crying. She is head of the clarinet section now, which means it must be pretty pathetic.
During half time, Sandy and I went to see the band practicing. I spoke a bit with Steve, who told me about "Nancy" and how he had wanted to go to Lincoln Mall with me.
I was a bit depressed, because I felt that Steve was surviving just fine without me, and I needed to be alone so I went for a walk. I get so depressed, sometimes.
MICA is definitely not as good as NESBA. No competition at all! When all the bands were done (ours went on last), we went to see them. One thing, the food is good at MICA. They feed their bands.
Went to see Steve. He was telling me about catching Chet with a girl at MIT in a closet, and I was being silly, and he got irritated and said, "Go away!" and left me. I didn't like that and kicked him as he was leaving. When he came back I turned around and told him to fuck off.
He said he came back for me but I was off with other people (bull shit). I said that if he didn't think I wouldn't give up anyone to speak with him, he was crazy. He said he'd have to talk later, he had to get in line, he'd call me.
I created quite a stir (people are so dull in band these days!)
Did see Steve one more time. While lined up in formation, I gave him gum. He was still chewing it at the end of the parade and that made me feel good.
Mrs. McAfeee tried to get Mr. Platt to play for us by sending her son to tell him, but they were only allowed to play in certain areas. The band did sound good.
After that, Sandy drove me home.
I called Steve at seven, as he hadn't called by then. He said "Why should I call someone who kicks me? I don't miss the good old days." I asked him if he wanted to go to Mr Gs with me and Pauline, he said he couldn't, his mother wouldn't let him go out.
Chris had asked him to visit as she was depressed that her mother was very ill, but her mother said no. I accused him of trying to impress me with names, and he said he was just trying to make conversation.
He asked about school, I asked if he really cared. I was rather hostile, I suppose.
He also said he told his mom what I said about him, as well as what I said she told me yesterday.
I said I had to go see Pauline, who just arrived home from seeing MB at school. I asked if I could call later, he said I could before 9:30.
After going to play Joust, I called him at 9:20 at Pauline's. He was sleeping when I called, but did wake up and spoke with Pauline for a while. We talked a bit until around 9:40, which was good. I treasure the times with him so much lately. I'd sacrifice anything to always be friends with him. That's how much I need him.
We talked about when we could see each other. He asked, "Do you want me to invite you to drama rehearsals?" He's right, we both have busy schedules.
I hugged Pauline and promised to write. But even with Pauline so far away, Steve's the one I think about most of all. I think we can last as friends longer if we try.
That night I wrote him a letter. He asked Kerrie NOT to give it to Jason Strange, which I did. I like to send letters. It's a way of keeping in touch even when we can't talk.
[2026 Note: These entries are really hard for me to type out. I get so irritated with this Ted. I understand that it is my first year of college and I am trying desperately to cling to a simpler, less challenging time, but I honestly believe if I had chosen another college and lived on campus instead of off, and maybe had sex with a nice gay boy my life would have been a lot easier, even in the age of AIDS.
This gets to life choices and not being afraid to take chances. Taking the time to choose a college away from home may have been more expensive but would probably have set me up for greater success. Still, I guess I have been successful enough, in the end. So one cannot regret one's choices. I wouldn't have half of what I do have had I chosen differently.
Somewhere, however, there is an alternative universe where I made quite different choices in my life.
It also gets to me continually torturing Steve. It's ironic that I criticized his mother for hitting him when clearly I have documented punching and kicking him. Maybe not as severely (I wasn't exactly a strong kid) but who who am I to criticize her? Also--I am proud that I at least documented this as is and didn't sugar coat anything in my favor.
And finally, what the heck was I doing? Steve started out this entry saying he was happy to see me. Why did I then have to act so insecure and deliberately to start a fight? The answer is obvious, at least 40 years later: what I wanted from this relationship wasn't something Steve was able to give (or, frankly, I was ready to handle), causing me frustration. And every time we fought, that was really what was going on. I can't kiss, so I have to kick. Or at least, I can't be honest about my feelings, although the subtext is so clear as to not really even be subtext.
And it does beg the question: why did Steve allow this nonsense to continue for so many years?
It's interesting to me that in the 22 years we've been together, Corb and I never had any incident like this, and yet, from what I can see, this happened with Steve every single day. Corb and I may bicker, but even during our worst moments (and there have been a few), we are unable to stay angry with each for any sustained period of time. I think this gets to emotional availability, but also to sexual security. Both of which were things that needed to be learned over time, and I was far too immature. Although, Corb and I started dating when he was 20, which is only two years from my age at the time of this writing, which was 18. Corb had a lot more experience than I did sexually, which may be the result of not having to live through the sexually repressed 80s. But also, technology. If only Grindr had been invented when I was in my late teens...my life would have been quite different.]
Finally, I couldn't wait any longer, so I had to get into Sandy's car and drive to the competition. We sat in front of Mrs. McAfee and the Greenes. Lynn McAfee was upset because she hurt her ankle and couldn't perform during the game, so she was crying. She is head of the clarinet section now, which means it must be pretty pathetic.
During half time, Sandy and I went to see the band practicing. I spoke a bit with Steve, who told me about "Nancy" and how he had wanted to go to Lincoln Mall with me.
I was a bit depressed, because I felt that Steve was surviving just fine without me, and I needed to be alone so I went for a walk. I get so depressed, sometimes.
MICA is definitely not as good as NESBA. No competition at all! When all the bands were done (ours went on last), we went to see them. One thing, the food is good at MICA. They feed their bands.
Went to see Steve. He was telling me about catching Chet with a girl at MIT in a closet, and I was being silly, and he got irritated and said, "Go away!" and left me. I didn't like that and kicked him as he was leaving. When he came back I turned around and told him to fuck off.
He said he came back for me but I was off with other people (bull shit). I said that if he didn't think I wouldn't give up anyone to speak with him, he was crazy. He said he'd have to talk later, he had to get in line, he'd call me.
I created quite a stir (people are so dull in band these days!)
Did see Steve one more time. While lined up in formation, I gave him gum. He was still chewing it at the end of the parade and that made me feel good.
Mrs. McAfeee tried to get Mr. Platt to play for us by sending her son to tell him, but they were only allowed to play in certain areas. The band did sound good.
After that, Sandy drove me home.
I called Steve at seven, as he hadn't called by then. He said "Why should I call someone who kicks me? I don't miss the good old days." I asked him if he wanted to go to Mr Gs with me and Pauline, he said he couldn't, his mother wouldn't let him go out.
Chris had asked him to visit as she was depressed that her mother was very ill, but her mother said no. I accused him of trying to impress me with names, and he said he was just trying to make conversation.
He asked about school, I asked if he really cared. I was rather hostile, I suppose.
He also said he told his mom what I said about him, as well as what I said she told me yesterday.
I said I had to go see Pauline, who just arrived home from seeing MB at school. I asked if I could call later, he said I could before 9:30.
After going to play Joust, I called him at 9:20 at Pauline's. He was sleeping when I called, but did wake up and spoke with Pauline for a while. We talked a bit until around 9:40, which was good. I treasure the times with him so much lately. I'd sacrifice anything to always be friends with him. That's how much I need him.
We talked about when we could see each other. He asked, "Do you want me to invite you to drama rehearsals?" He's right, we both have busy schedules.
I hugged Pauline and promised to write. But even with Pauline so far away, Steve's the one I think about most of all. I think we can last as friends longer if we try.
That night I wrote him a letter. He asked Kerrie NOT to give it to Jason Strange, which I did. I like to send letters. It's a way of keeping in touch even when we can't talk.
[2026 Note: These entries are really hard for me to type out. I get so irritated with this Ted. I understand that it is my first year of college and I am trying desperately to cling to a simpler, less challenging time, but I honestly believe if I had chosen another college and lived on campus instead of off, and maybe had sex with a nice gay boy my life would have been a lot easier, even in the age of AIDS.
This gets to life choices and not being afraid to take chances. Taking the time to choose a college away from home may have been more expensive but would probably have set me up for greater success. Still, I guess I have been successful enough, in the end. So one cannot regret one's choices. I wouldn't have half of what I do have had I chosen differently.
Somewhere, however, there is an alternative universe where I made quite different choices in my life.
It also gets to me continually torturing Steve. It's ironic that I criticized his mother for hitting him when clearly I have documented punching and kicking him. Maybe not as severely (I wasn't exactly a strong kid) but who who am I to criticize her? Also--I am proud that I at least documented this as is and didn't sugar coat anything in my favor.
And finally, what the heck was I doing? Steve started out this entry saying he was happy to see me. Why did I then have to act so insecure and deliberately to start a fight? The answer is obvious, at least 40 years later: what I wanted from this relationship wasn't something Steve was able to give (or, frankly, I was ready to handle), causing me frustration. And every time we fought, that was really what was going on. I can't kiss, so I have to kick. Or at least, I can't be honest about my feelings, although the subtext is so clear as to not really even be subtext.
And it does beg the question: why did Steve allow this nonsense to continue for so many years?
It's interesting to me that in the 22 years we've been together, Corb and I never had any incident like this, and yet, from what I can see, this happened with Steve every single day. Corb and I may bicker, but even during our worst moments (and there have been a few), we are unable to stay angry with each for any sustained period of time. I think this gets to emotional availability, but also to sexual security. Both of which were things that needed to be learned over time, and I was far too immature. Although, Corb and I started dating when he was 20, which is only two years from my age at the time of this writing, which was 18. Corb had a lot more experience than I did sexually, which may be the result of not having to live through the sexually repressed 80s. But also, technology. If only Grindr had been invented when I was in my late teens...my life would have been quite different.]
