tedwords

I had to give two speeches during the wedding weekend. One the night before, to great everyone in the wedding party. The other was a joint speech that I gave with Josie during the reception. Just saving them here for posterity.

WELCOME SPEECH

On behalf of the family, I just wanted to take a moment to welcome everyone to New Hampshire, to celebrate Kayla and Dan’s wedding tomorrow.

As I look around the room, I see so much love and support here. And maybe a few sweet transvestites. Who knows?

All of us know how quirky and creative Dan and Kayla are, and that’s what we really love about them. I knew Kayla was quirky creative from an early age—or at least good at making other people be creative—when she insisted we stage a kitty fashion show for her ninth birthday. I knew that she had met the perfect guy when Dan showed up at our house one day with a fully recorded version of the song “I love you when you’re pooing and you’re peeing,” complete with backing vocals. It was a very John Waters moment,

I suspect this won’t be the last time you see a John Waters moment during this wedding, so be prepared!

And now, everyone please join me in raising a glass to Kayla and Dan for a life filled with love, joy, and adventure. We’ll be seeing a lot of them these next few days, and Kayla and dan, for this, and the remainder of your days, in the words of your hero, Ru Paul, “Good luck and...well, you know the rest.”

LISA/TED SPEECH

LISA: Kayla and Dan, first of all, we wanted to say thank you for asking us to say a few words during your wedding. We truly are honored that you asked us, because…well, Kayla, you’re like a daughter to us.

TED: But on that note, this might be a good time to— [Lisa shakes her head sternly.] Oh, never mind. But as we were planning this, we met and started to think of all the stories we wanted to tell.

LISA: [Taking out the scroll] And we realized that we had quite a few! [Unrolls scroll, which falls to the floor]

TED: During the next 45 minutes, we are going to take you on a journey of Kayla and Dan’s life, bring you pivotal key moments in your life, such as BIRTH! Ah, Kayla, I never will forget the exact moment when you were conceived. That loving night of connubial bliss me and your mother shared was just…

LISA: TED! Perhaps we should move ahead just a little bit.

TED: Oh! You’re right. Sue and your wonderful hubby, perhaps you’d like to share your memories of the night that Dan was…[Lisa shakes her head, sternly] No? Okay.

LISA: But we did ask them to share a few memories, and the first one they told us was that as Dan was exiting his mother’s womb, he entered the world pooping!

TED: Clearly a born critic at an early age! But also, an artist, from what we have heard. For example, when he was 3 or 4, he would put on a cape and act like the Wicked Witch of the west. In fact, we have heard he would reenact the melting scene for members of the family.

LISA: “I’m melting, my pretty!”

TED: And now, look! You’ve got Lisa as a mother-in-law and she actually IS the Wicked Witch of the West! Oddly enough, Kayla was also into the arts at around 3 or 4 years old. In fact, she was really into painting. One of our earliest memories is the time that she decided to paint one of her bedroom walls with—

LISA: Let’s skip ahead a few years! Kayla, I am kind of surprised by something tonight. When you were eight, Mary-Beth asked you what song she should play at her wedding, and you told her that this would be the best song to play. [CHRISTINA plays Star Spangled Banner] Just surprised you didn’t play it yourself today!

TED: Meanwhile, Dan was busy performing. In fact, we have learned he used to have Brian film him doing “The Danny Show,” as he called it. And what a little diva he was. In fact, if Brian started filming his sister Samantha, he would get angry the attention was being taken away from him, and yell, “This is the Danny show! Not the Samanfa show.”

LISA: Well now, it’s the Danny and Kayla show. And if you think Kayla’s not going to want her share of the attention paid to her, well…you’re in for a big surprise.

TED: I have a feeling he already knows! Now let’s move ahead a few years to high school. I will never forget, her senior year of high school, Kayla was so upset that she didn’t have a date to the prom that she actually made up a poster board that said “Will you be my date to the prom?” and threatened to stand outside my apartment wearing it.

LISA: I think she may have for a while, too. But Dan, we were wondering, would you maybe make her dreams come true and ask her out to the prom, for all of us here?

TED: Let’s move ahead a few years. To right before COVID shut the world down. Kayla has always been a master of timing, and what happened right before that? She went on her first date with Dan!

LISA: And they hit it off really well! In fact, she really wanted a second date, but by that point, people were sheltering in place. So what did Kayla do?

TED: She moved in with Dan. And Lisa, what did you say at that time?

LISA: Either they will end up killing each other or marrying each other!

TED: Well, looks like they ended up happily after, and we are so proud and pleased to see that! You two are so good together and Dan, we are so happy to have you become a member of our family.

LISA: You know, some of you who may not know us that well may think it odd that two divorced folks can get up here and give this speech together. You wouldn’t be the only one surprised we are still such good friends.

TED: In fact, Kayla, you once got so angry with us that you screamed out “Why can’t you two hate each other like normal divorced people?”

LISA: Well, now you have your answer. If we did, we wouldn’t be able to make this speech here and now.

TED: And hopefully, that is a lesson we taught you and all of our kids. That no matter what happens, our vow to love and respect each other has never wavered. And that is something that we wish for you and Dan today. So everybody, please raise a glass, as we toast Dan and Kayla.

LISA: May they always love, cherish and honor each other, and always remember and cherish this day.

TED: And maybe someday, if they are lucky, they will have a little girl so creative that she will look upon her bedroom wall and say—

LISA: Ted!

TED: “I’m happy to call this place home.” Cheers, you two!