tedwords

"A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late." —Frank Sinatra

"The way Scott has been acting makes me wonder if he really did have an affair," Corb's mom said as we made our way to my parent's house for Christmas eve.

Man, I have been DYING to discuss this topic! "RIGHT?" I said loudly, from the back seat of the car. "The way he acted on the day of the birthday party for Tina's mother...it was kind of sketchy..."

A few words on THAT. About two weeks ago, we received a text invite from Tina to attend an 80th birthday party for her mother, at their place, that Saturday. This was followed by a text message from Corb's mom saying "Tina is trying to keep the family together. Just saying." Corb wrote back, "We didn't need the guilt trip. We planned to attend."

Except. When we arrived there, we soon realized we weren't there to celebrate with her Mom at all. No, that wasn't our purpose in any way, shape or form. The party was meant to be held for all of her friends from high school, about eight in all. My only interaction with Tina's mother was when she came in and we surprised her, and she said "You both knew about this? You big fat stinkers." After that, we spent our time in the kitchen, while they partied in the living room.

Our true purpose: we were there to keep Scott company.

Because the other thing it took us a while to realize: Scott spent the entire time avoiding his MIL. Probably the best idea after she had received the letter about him being unfaithful, but it didn't dawn on us until we saw him a) spend the first half of the party outdoors playing football with his son, b) spend the rest of the time hiding in the kitchen and c) TELLTALE CLUE: refusing strawberry puree on his strawberry shortcake simply because he would have had to go into the living room to get it from under the wrinkly jowls of his glowering mother-in-law.

"He is just too accommodating," said Corb. "If he actually is innocent, he wouldn't be so quiet, so busy trying to please her."

"Plus, he has done so many other things, in the past. Oh, and did you know he bought her a new car the other day?" asked Corb's mom. "There's a sign."

That reminds of my favorite Gracie story. Years ago, following an argument over a pricey silver table centerpiece Gracie wanted, George Burns had a brief affair with a Las Vegas showgirl. Stricken by guilt, George phoned one of his best friends, Jack Benny, and told him about the indiscretion. However, Gracie overheard the conversation and George quietly bought the expensive centerpiece and nothing more was said.

Years later, George discovered that Gracie had told one of her friends about the episode finishing with “You know, I really wish George would cheat on me again. I really could use a new centerpiece.”

But I digress. "And I don't believe that the affair took place five years ago," continued Corb. "The fact that Scott and his best friend decided to pin the blame on a lady friend who was fighting with Tina and is now dead? That's a bit convenient, don't you think?"

"Well, her husband did confess to writing the letter," said Corb's mom.

"Did he, really?" I asked, more with a question in my voice. "Or did Scott tell you that?"

"Yes, Scott did," she replied.

"And Scott told you this guy outright came out and admitted to writing that letter?"

"Well, no," she admitted. "But apparently Scott's best friend approached him and the way he was acting made it really obvious he wrote it."

"Does it, though?" I asked, unable to help myself. "And by the way, do middle aged IT guys really write long five page letters to people?"

"Well, this one could have been, because the letter changes tone right in the middle and becomes really angry!"

"And that proves it's written by a middle aged white guy, because...why?"

"Yes, but Michelle also did leave a note on his car five years ago. Sealed with a kiss! Scott swears that happened."

"That doesn't mean that Scott was completely innocent," replied Corb. "And also, that may not have anything to do with this letter. I think it makes more sense that it was someone who he recently was involved with. Not the husband of a dead woman."

"I guess," said his mother, not thrilled with the questioning.

"Well, anyway," said Corb, as we pulled into my parents' driveway. "Tomorrow should be interesting, if Tina's mom is supposed to be there for Christmas dinner."

PS: she didn't show up. Tina said she had to stay home due to the flu. But that's a story for another time. At the moment this story ends, we were about to enter my parent's house, where MY sister-in-law was three sheets to the wind and was about to torture us with a "quick" family game that ended up lasting for two hours as she got progressively drunker.

Everyone's home has a Desperate Family Member or two lurking about.