Upon reflection.

[tedwords]

 

“Mirrors should think longer before they reflect.” Jean Cocteau

Our favorite walking path around the ship is located on the fifth floor. There's more shade than on the tenth, which however is better at night, especially for star gazing or sunsets. 

As we made our third pass around on the third day of the cruise, I stopped for a minute and looked into the reflection before me. I frowned.

"You know, it's funny," I said. "When I look directly into the mirror, I look completely different than I do when I pass myself while we're walking. Looking forward, I look thinner and more confident. Sideways views are far less complimentary."

"Always the way," replied Corb. "I hate looking at my reflection as I'm passing it."

"But how do other people see me? Do they see the sideways reflection or the full on reflection?"

"Honestly, I don't think most people really give two shits," Corb replied as we rounded a corner. "They are too busy thinking about how THEY look when they stare at their own reflections."

It's true. From a third person perspective, we tend to look at faces, expressions, what someone is wearing. Full profile. Big picture. Side profile thoughts are strictly reserved for our own physique.

"I belong to this shirtless Gay Gardeners group on Facebook," said Corb. "The other day someone posted they didn't feel comfortable posting on the page because they aren't buff and hunky, but overweight and middle aged. And the person who posted it received so many positive responses about feeling comfortable about how you look and how your body is shaped, and it got me thinking about how screwed up we get about those things. It's something I am trying to work on."

"It's that inner saboteur conversation we have after every Drag Race episode," I replied. "That voice inside us forever telling us how ugly and stupid we are. And we all have our own names for it."

I know Corb's name for it, which I won't share here (but we talk about often.) Mine is definitely Middle School Ted. Man, do I dislike Middle School Ted. He's all the monsters lurking under our bed when we are children, saying the nastiest things.

Still, I think there is a function for this voice. It's not intended to be all venom and vinegar, although sometimes that's all we hear. It could simply be a critical voice compelling you to do more, to not be complacent, to do better. That saying again, to aspire higher. 

The problem is it so often gets twisted. The negative becomes the message, rather than the intent.  We fail to see the more motivating message it could provide and focus strictly on the negative.

We make it Middle School Ted, when we could re-imagine it and allow it to graduate and grow up. 

And we allow it to drown out the more positive conversations in our head. Which isn't the position it was meant to occupy at all.   

I think it's meant to be a...well, side profile view, complementing the full profile view.

I've always been quite good at adoring the full profile view. Narcissus was kind of fond of that view, too.

As we started on lap four, I turned to take in another look in the mirror and sighed. This is never going to be easy.

"Can't I get a third profile?" I asked. "I need another opinion." 

I guess there is. Love the full profile, accept the side. Don't allow either to hold full sway in your life. But just remember, nobody else is ever looking at you with the same amount of love, attention, carelessness or hostility as you are at any given moment in your life.