State of Change
Sep. 30th, 2002 08:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tedwordsI'm just not sure where this is all headed. Today I saw Lauri and I was really upbeat. Felt as though I had my act really together, felt really confident. Explained everything that's been going on. She said that it sounds as though we're heading in the right direction with this.
I had a great conversation last night with phyrehawk about the past and he was very insightful about my relationship with Steven and also about the future. I also had some nice chat time with Ricky, who I really enjoy talking to. I like talking to him because he is very brave and also very positive, for the most part. And also, because of him, I'm seeing things in different lights--I don't really go on Spotlife that much (I did use it, last night, for a while), for example, and I also haven't used the Vera identity that much at all. Plus, I like the fact that he is focused on a goal--taking care of his last year of college. I don't want anything heavy right now. I want to get to know someone and also figure out who I am. And take things very slowly. I think the fact that he's halfway across the country makes things safer, allows me to speak openly, about anything. So thanks, you.
I'm a bit down tonight. Part of it is physical--I have a bad sore throat and had a huge workload today. Part of it is that I did not go to Bent auditions that Chris was holding and I really wanted to. Josie gave the impression it would have been really difficult with TJ, but even so, I feel as though I had an obligation to go, and I let him down. Besides, if no one came, it would have been a good opportunity to talk. Opportunity lost. Wonderful...
Tonight Josie will talking to a new friend she's interested in. I'm happy for her, but it really is a totally new experience. I do not resent it, because I want us both to be happy. But I want more opportunities to continue this journey of discovery and having to stay home while she rehearses aint going to cut it. I think I wish to go to a bar alone.
I had a great conversation last night with phyrehawk about the past and he was very insightful about my relationship with Steven and also about the future. I also had some nice chat time with Ricky, who I really enjoy talking to. I like talking to him because he is very brave and also very positive, for the most part. And also, because of him, I'm seeing things in different lights--I don't really go on Spotlife that much (I did use it, last night, for a while), for example, and I also haven't used the Vera identity that much at all. Plus, I like the fact that he is focused on a goal--taking care of his last year of college. I don't want anything heavy right now. I want to get to know someone and also figure out who I am. And take things very slowly. I think the fact that he's halfway across the country makes things safer, allows me to speak openly, about anything. So thanks, you.
I'm a bit down tonight. Part of it is physical--I have a bad sore throat and had a huge workload today. Part of it is that I did not go to Bent auditions that Chris was holding and I really wanted to. Josie gave the impression it would have been really difficult with TJ, but even so, I feel as though I had an obligation to go, and I let him down. Besides, if no one came, it would have been a good opportunity to talk. Opportunity lost. Wonderful...
Tonight Josie will talking to a new friend she's interested in. I'm happy for her, but it really is a totally new experience. I do not resent it, because I want us both to be happy. But I want more opportunities to continue this journey of discovery and having to stay home while she rehearses aint going to cut it. I think I wish to go to a bar alone.
