traveling disasters.

Traveling home from Orlando by car was a little more difficult than getting there, in some ways. I think the big reason for that was that we had planned the "getting there" phase to be three stops--DC, Hilton Head, then Orlando, so the driving wasn't as intense. The trip home was only two, days, driving. 

There were a few disasters that first day back, too. I blame it on Corb spending most of the time reading a book on Real Ghost Stories, frankly. A lot of the material he was reading dealt with the theme of possession, and that always freaks me out.

About two hours into the trip, a car passed us that said "Jesus Loves You" on the back. Corb grinned. "That's what I always say. About myself."

About ten minutes later, Corb put his book down and saw a gust of brown smoke in the distance. He didn't say anything, because he thought they were mowing in the median area, or something.

But as we got closer, I suddenly realized that something was wrong. There was a car jutting out into the high speed lane, and a truck stopped at an angle, a few feet away from that. I slowed down to avoid contact.

We suddenly realized it was the "Jesus Loves You" car. The front of the car had been sliced off, cut clean in half. The driver, a man with a shaved head, was leaning back in his seat, eyes closed, his face covered in blood. On his lap was a four-year-old girl, covering his chest.

There were people already stopping to help, as we passed by, and the kids were getting upset by the sight, but it isn't a scene that you soon forget, and I spent much of the day praying that the man and his child ended up all right.

###

The trip through Florida and South Carolina was long, and since we had left at noon (I don't think we were quite ready to leave Orlando, frankly), the day was already winding down by the time we made it close to the one sight Corb really wanted to see on the way back--South of the Border, right before you entered North Carolina.

Around six, however, we encountered a terrible traffic jam, which we were stuck in for almost two hours. Turns out an 18-wheeler had turned over and spilled gasoline all over the road.

At one point, we were waiting for such a time that an older guy in a Lexus stopped his car completely, got out, and started exercising. He walked around, checked out the scene a few cars in front of him, did leg and arm stretches, using his car as a prop. Finally, after about ten minutes, a kid got out of his car and gave him a high five. Everyone started clapping.

Arrived at South of the Border around 9:30. The food at the diner was good and dirt cheap. The waitresses couldn't understand a word of what we were saying, with our thick Massachusetts accents. I deliberately asked for malt vinegar with our french fries, just to further confuse them.

###

After dinner, we started looking around for a place to stay for the night. We decided to pass into North Carolina, so at least we could feel like we had made it through four states. since I was worried about money, we agreed to try and find the cheapest place we could.

We settled on a Quality Inn, which had a AAA certification and had a two bedroom for $59. And boy, did we get the wrong number...

We had our first inkling when the GPS directed us to a Comfort Inn in error. 

"We just called a few minutes ago," said Corb, as we checked in at the front desk. 

"Funny, I don't remember no call," said the clerk. "Oh well, no bother." Fiddle fiddle with the computer. "That will be $79."

"Seventy nine? You quoted us fifty-nine, before."

"Oh." The clerk smiled, but then wiped it away quickly. "You meant to go to the Quality Inn. that's just down the street."

What did that quick smile mean, I wondered, as we pulled into the parking lot of the Quality Inn. 

One look at Corb's face as we headed into the front lobby made it clear he wasn't thrilled. Remember, Corb has worked for a decade in hotels, and used to do room inspections. It was clear from the get-go that this hotel was not meeting his standards.

We would soon discover he had good reason to be scared...

A Quality Encounter

This story takes place at a Quality Inn somewhere in North Carolina, a few miles north of South of the Border...

"We only have one more two-bed and it's on the second floor," said the tired-looking woman behind the counter. "You don't mind, do you? Who knows, maybe you'll like it here so much, you'll stay another night!"

"Thank you," I replied, and tapped Corb on his arm with the key card she handed me. One look at the slightly nauseous expression on his face and I knew that another night was out of the question.

"Why don't we take a look at the room first?" I whispered, as we started to exit. "That way you can get all of your comments out of the way before we bring the kids upstairs."

Corb nodded grimly, looking as if this hotel was scarier than any of the roller coasters at Universal. "Look, we're going to leave early in the morning, right?"

"We might be leaving at five," he said, as we started up the stairs to the second floor, and a faint smell of urine assailed my nostrils. "And I might be sleeping in the bathroom. Bedbugs don't like bathtubs. Oh, by the way, if this place has those old form-fitted comforters on the beds, that's it, I'm--"

We opened up the room with the key card and turned on the light. It flickered a bit, wobbling every every few seconds. Sure enough, form fitted comforters on the beds, only these were so faded they must have been from the eighties.

"You can check for bedbugs if you'd like," I said, knowing this had just made things worse.

Corb moved over to a bed and touched the headboard, tempted. Then, he pulled away and recoiled in horror. "No, no, that's okay. Let's just get this over with."

Decided, we exited the room, gathered up our luggage from the car, and brought the kids up. Corb would only take his clothes, refusing to bring his suitcase into the room. That bedbug thing, again.

The moment we got into the room, Corb grabbed the comforters on top of the bed and threw it into a corner. "I will only sleep on the top sheet," he announced. 

I glanced over at Theo and Ashes, who seemed more amused with Corb than anything. "Okay, Ashes, you and I will have the other bed," I said. "I can pull off the comforter, if you'd like."

Ashes yawned and moved over to our bed, patting the pillow in front of her. "Sure, whatever..." she said, then stopped for a minute. "What's this?"

"What's what?" 

She reached under her pillow. "It's an empty Tic Tac case."

"If you think that's bad," said Theo, on his side of the other bed. "I'm looking down at a pile of toenail clippings." Oh. Ugh.

"Oh God..." said Corb, heading away from us."I'm checking out that bathtub..."

Ashes sat on the side of the bed, wiggling her toes. "Daddy, would you check all the drawers?" she asked. "I'm getting a little creeped out."

"Sure, honey," I said, desperate to please, and getting an increasingly bad feeling about things. "Let's go through them all, okay?" I opened a randon drawer in the dresser in front of me. "See, nothing in here..."

Theo ran over to the night stand between the beds and opened the top drawer. "Only a Bible and phone book here..." He grabbed the Bible. "Oh, look! There's a love letter in the Bible."

Ashes lifted up the phone book. "And inside this there's a..."  She pulled back the cover. Something fell to the floor. "Ummm...Dad?"

I closed the drawer in front of me and moved over to her. "What the...?" And then, calling out to the bathroom. "Corb!"

###

"So, the empty Tic Tac container we were going to put up with, and even the toenail clippings," I said to the older man behind the counter (evidently the tired looking woman had gone to take a nap.) "But I kind of have to draw the line at this!"

I placed the rusty straight-edge razor onto the counter.

The old man grimaced. "Boy is the owner going to blow a gasket when he sees that tomorrow."
 
Ya think?

"Of course, sir. I'll reverse the charges."

"Thank you."

"Terribly sorry, sir. We never have things like that happen here. We take great pride in having a clean establishment."

"Triple A endorsed," I said, looking outside and thinking, "Guess that doesn't mean much..."

A grin flickered on the old man's face. "Of course, I have seen some things. One time, someone came down because they sat down on the desk chair and a hypodermic needle fell onto the floor. We went up and took care of that, and then, half an hour later, they called downstairs again because another one fell out. I went up, checked the chair, and turns out, the chair was full of them! Can you believe it? The guy who had been there for two weeks before had been hiding needles in the chair!"

I shook my head, not exactly sure how to respond.

"Another time a customer called down because they found a starter pistol under their pillow," continued the old man, really warming up to his subject. "And another time, one of the housemaids discovered a briefcase with $15,000 in cash in it!"

"I'll take that over a straight edged razor," said Corb.

Conclusion: that night was spent at the Country Inn. A bit more expensive, but the guy at the front desk let us check out the room beforehand. Comfortable beds, nice clean room. Breakfast in the morning. No razor blades!