Help wanted: Mime

For some reason, I keep getting emails from some guy who wants me to know that "a wife in your area is seeking a discreet relationship!"

Well, it's awfully nice that he's telling me this, but what the hell am I supposed to do with this information? Unless she's looking for someone to gossip with, I'm not sure I'm going to be of much use to her.

And also, I'm not quite sure why she's so hung up on having a relationship that's discreet. I guess, maybe, she has something she just has to keep secret, and is having a devil of a time doing so. She's just going to explode if she doesn't tell someone else.

But frankly, if she is looking to gossip about something, then she really shouldn't be talking to me. I have such a big mouth and all. The minute she told me something really good, out'd come. I'd probably tell Corb, right away. Then I'd post it here, and that wouldn't be very discreet at all.

I think what she really needs is a good mime.

No, not a good time, you twat...a good MIME!

Well, maybe she is looking for a good time...you think that's what the email was really trying to say? Nahhhhh, it can't be...who would have someone send an email telling people they were looking for something like THAT?

And really, how discreet are most relationships, anyways? Even secret lovers...hell, even secret agent men...all of the relationships that each and every one of us engage in are rife with leaks and breeches of confidence. It's the nature of being human. We're social creatures. We talk. We spill the beans. We confide.

No, I'm convinced, if this woman really and truly craves a discreet relationship, then what she really needs, more than anything in the world, is...a mime. Someone that this discreet housewife can open up to and spill all her secrets to. And won't spill back, if you know what I mean.

I can see her now, inviting the mime to take an imaginary chair. "Oh my God! My husband was SOOOOO annoying this morning," she'll say. "I mean, he had the nerve to say to me that my face could launch a thousand ships...and sink every of them! Can you believe him? Hah! Well, I got him back. I gave him the old how'd you like it! I gave him his Cheerios from a bowl that the cat drank out of, and he was none the wiser, let me tell you!"

And the mime would just sit there, and nod, and find himself trapped in an imaginary box.

Still, this guy seems awfully desperate to have someone help this discreet wife out. You think it's her husband?

The only thing I can think to do is to let other people know that she's looking for a discreet relationship. So, there you go. She's a wife. She's discreet. And, she's in my area. Any mimes out there looking to fulfill her every need? Give her a call.

A call. HA! A mime giving her a call. I tell you, I kill myself...

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