Ambient Noizes.

Thursday night, as we prepared to go to hop into bed and make glorious love...

Okay, strike that.

Thursday night, as we climbed into bed to...well, frankly, sleep, Corb rolled over to grab his iPhone and started navigating toward his favorite night time plaything...Ambiance. Pre-programmed background noise. Soma for the soul.

"Guess what this is?" he asked, holding the iPhone to my ear.

"A person peeing?" I asked.

"Nooooooooo." He shook his head. "A shower!" He pressed his finger upward. "What about this?"

"Frogs."

Corb nodded his head. "And this?" he held the phone up to my ear again.

I looked at him strangely. "A vibrator?" I asked.

"Noooooo," Corb shook his head. "A light saber!"

"Wouldn't it be fun if they did have someone inserting a vibrator as a noise?" I asked, grinning. "That would be a noise I'd love to fall asleep to." And with that, I turned to the lamp and shut it off. Corb settled on his favorite noise, the sound of crickets.

We lay there, in the dark. "Corb?"

"Yes?"

"Do you have the sound of a dentist drilling a homeless person's really rotten teeth without Novacaine?"

Corb sighed, loudly. "No, Ted. I don't."

"How about someone in constipatory distress?"

"No."

"I think someone in constipatory distress would be an incredibly relaxing sound. Sort of like trees swaying in the breeze. Don't you?"

"No Ted. I don't."

"Maybe the name's a bit too long, though. 'Constipatory distress.' Maybe they need something short and funky, to appeal to the kids today. 'ConstaPainz,' with a Z. What do you think of that?"

"I don't think it matters what you change the name to, Ted. No one's going to want to listen to that when they go to sleep."

We were silent for a moment, listening to the crickets.

"Corb?"

An edge to his response, but I know he was amused. "Do you think I could write to Ambiance and ask them to add constipatory distress as a sound?"

"No Ted, I don't think that would be a good idea."

"How about 'your room is alive with the sounds of gangrene'? That would be nice, don't you think?"

Silence.

"Good night, Corb!"

Since that time, I've periodically checked to see if "Constipatory Distress" has been added as a sound. No go, Joe. Not yet. But I'm still hoping!