Playing the Percentages

"Corb, how happy are you with me?" I asked him, tonight.

"How happy...?"

"I was listening to my radio show this morning," I continued, referring to a gay show in Sirius that he's none too fond of. "They were talking about this guy who's dating a man with children. That guy's ex-wife is still in love with him, and is cutting off access to the kids, because she doesn't like the fact that he's dating another man."

"And...?" asked Corb, still not getting my point.

"And the talk show host said that he should dump the guy with the kids, because he hasn't resolved things with his ex-wife, and has no place dating someone until that gets finalized. And he said, unless the person you're with makes you happy ninety percent of the time, you should break up with them."

"Ah," said Corb, suddenly getting it. "Which is why you called me up at work this morning."

"Right," I said. "And you said that I made you happy fourty percent of the time."

"I changed my mind," said Corb. "It's really only thirty-five percent."

"What?" I said, crying crocodile tears. "How can you say such a hurtful thing?"

"Well, how happy do I make YOU?" he asked.

I paused, trying to take his seriously. "Well, I've thought about that. I think that you meet that test. You do. You make me happy ninety percent of the time."

"What???" asked Corb, looking shocked. "Only ninety percent?"

"Well...I meant, at LEAST ninety percent..."

"So, ten percent of the time you're unhappy?" Corb looked appalled.

"No, no, NO! Corb, look, you're the one who said you're only 35 percent happy with me...."

"I was just kidding, obviously!" said Corb, really piling it on now. "You make me happy one hundred and ten percent of the time!"

"110 percent, eh?" I said, laughing. "You get an extra ten percent of happiness out of me?"

"Absolutely," he said. "But now I find out that I'm twenty percent happier than you are with me. How can we go on?"

"Well, listen, maybe we can work this out," I said. "Maybe we can give each other monthly reports. I can tell you at the end of each month how much happiness you've given me in the past thirty days. And then, at the end of the year, we can average them out. See if it comes close to ninety percent."

"Monthly reports, eh?" Corb looked as though he were about to strangle me.

"And we can add a stretch goals, and everything! You can work hard to improve how much happiness you give me. You can work really hard to get up to the 110 percent happiness I give you!"

"Hmmm. I think we should have an 85/15 rule," said Corb. "You give me 85 percent happiness, and I'll give you 15 percent. How's that?"

I tell you, we really are a perfect match.

In Like Clinton?

According to that always-reliable source (snort), Fox News just reported that Hillary Clinton not only raised more money than any other Democratic contender this quarter, but also leads her closest rival, Obama, by 33 points in the latest national poll, conducted by the Washington Post/ABC News.

Lest I need remind anyone, I predicted over a year ago that Hillary would be our next president, based in large part on nostalgia for the Clinton years. These past twelve months have done nothing but confirm this prediction. The only excitement I see being generated comes from the Democratic side, with the Repub candidates generating about as much excitement as Bob Dole did against Bill in 1996.

Frankly, I'm just counting down the days to what I see as the inevitable. A lot could happen in the next few months, particularly with all this saber-rattling about Iran, and I just wish we could fast forward time, so that this country is finally back in the hands of a competent individual who truly cares about all Americans, actually listens to other opinions, and also, actually gives a shit about our place in this world.

Okay, I'm getting off my soapbox...really! You can all go back to your day.