tedwords

Close to the edge

Wed, 06 May 2026 16:52:38 GMT

I drove Mrs. Bunten to rehearsal today. Steve called me and I told him what was going on last night--he told me his mother punished him for my being so loud and kicked his friends out, so they all slept somewhere else. He said, though, that if I get mad again it might be the last straw.

And. We had a slight argument because he always tells Mike to "sing louder," and I said, "Well, I'm next to you, too and I'm a tenor as well, so that's pretty mean." And said "Obviously you weren't listening or you'd know it was a private joke." But that's really a minor thing, I suppose.

I drove Mrs. Bunten, MB and Pauline home. I also saw Diane Henry at rehearsal.

[2026 NOTE: I think all of Steve's points about me badly behaving are absolutely correct and I am ashamed as I type this. It could also be argued, however, that Steve may have been asking me to borrow money so he could play poker with his friends. So, mutual usership]

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That devil temper

Wed, 06 May 2026 16:12:04 GMT

Well, Steve hasn't called yet and by six when I should be leaving for rehearsal I was fuming.

He called just as I was about to leave and was talking as if nothing had happened. And he asked me if he can borrow five dollars because he had to get Jason a present, and he'll pay me back when he gets money from a poker friend Thursday.

So I soften as I so often do and at rehearsal give him five dollars.

Doug was there, although Jackie tells me they are still going out but able to see other people. Although Doug snarled that Jackie was screwing Rick when he wasn't around and sounded very jealous.

I went to Mr Gs with Steve and Pauline, although was irritated because Steve wanted to leave early because some friends were having a sleepover. Sure, I understood that he was being nice in going with me in the first place and holding his friends up, but I get so jealous!

And I felt so guilty as I talked to Pauline afterwards. What can I do to curb my evil temper?

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Change of pace

Wed, 06 May 2026 16:05:59 GMT

Dad noticed I was depressed and moping around the house a lot. He told me to take the car and go somewhere. I asked Kim out, although for some reason I wanted to ask Beth.

Before I left, I called Steve. He called me a baby who throws tantrums when he can't get his own way. And he's right. He had to leave to go somewhere but said he'd call me.

I hung up and picked Kim up. Went to Bliss, then Mr. Gs, although she was depressed as hell. Not depressed, really, but said she was not in a good mood. We picked up Burger Chef for her parents and then I went to Joyce's and took her to Mr. Gs. It was fun and certainly lifted my flagging spirits.

Saturday: Rehearsal for orchestra at Chamber of Commerce. Frank, Joyce and I were the last ones to leave.

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Same story, different day

Wed, 06 May 2026 15:52:20 GMT

Another rehearsal. I became angry again with Steve because he wouldn't go home with me, and this time my temper got the best of me and I threw a book at him. He glared and walked off.

Pauline, MB and I went to Mr. G's again.

I went home at around 1130 and lay awake until one in the morning, depressed. Why do I get so mad all the time? Why can't I just realize that there are sometimes when Steve is not going to want to go home with me and leave it at that? Okay, so I was jealous because he was with Bill a while, but who cares? He's still my friend and that's not going to change--I hope!

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Night moves

Wed, 06 May 2026 15:47:59 GMT

There was a rehearsal for just Jackie and the guys today, to work through the USO sequence ("They're either too young or too old.") It went okay, although Jackie thought I was angry with her.

Steve decided he wanted to walk home, so I of course got miffed and rode to Mr. G's. After blowing three dollars, I started home, and on the way past K Mart who should I pass but one Steven Fuller. He jumped in the car, saying he went to visit Scott James. I took him to McDonald's, he drove me around a lot of places, like the school near his house where he hides from the cops. (His friends stole a keg that Sandy didn't want, although Steve says he hates liquor). It ended up being a very fun night.

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Name calling

Wed, 06 May 2026 15:37:00 GMT

Spoke with Steve. He said he stayed up late with Jackie, and I grew cold. He said goodbye.

I called back and asked, "How come you can go out with Jackie and not me?" And hung up.

He called back and told me he had no choice in the Jackie situation and that besides, he had been through a bit last night. It seems that Jackie told him 1) If he didn't like his part he should quit and 2) asked him why he was fighting with me so much. She told him how I always used to stick up for him when she put him down.

Deb A, who was in the car, then (rather rudely, I think) told him that no one really likes him any more and he begged me to tell him who these people were. I really don't want to tell him, and told him so, but he persisted.

Grudgingly, I responded as he called off names.

He also told me that Curt knew about Deb's herpes, and I was surprised. At the party, Curt told him. Anyway, Steve was wicked depressed. I felt really bad.

That night I rode over to Joyce's and attended the first orchestra rehearsal at Frank's house. Tim was there and Joyce made a joke about shaking hands with him.

The rehearsal wasn't too bad, although some old guy was playing sax terribly and kept complaining. He is a friend of Mr. C's, and insulted Mr. Bunten. I thought Tim would blow up, but he didn't.

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Change of Season, Act One

Wed, 06 May 2026 15:29:03 GMT

Today I finished act one of my new play "Change of Season," and Pauline, MB and I read through it (partly, at least) in the car going to rehearsal.

Rehearsal itself went okay, although I asked Steve if he wanted to go home with us and he said he had a ride home from Jackie, so I was miffed. He knew it, too.

Pauline, MB and I drove around for a bit. I knew Jackie had gone to HoJo's so I coerced Pauline into going with me, but they already left.

Pauline, MB, Deb F and I finished the play before we left the parking lot. It was fun with Deb reading it, as she has such a big part in it. She said she liked it. So did MB and Pauline.

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Crash

Wed, 06 May 2026 15:24:49 GMT

Learned Nancy was involved in another car crash. It was her fault again, as she didn't look both ways before taking a left, resulting in a three-way collision. Bright.

She is in okay condition now.

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Cloud man

Wed, 06 May 2026 15:23:01 GMT

Joyce came over tonight. We had to wait a long time to go because Dad had to pick up Nana from her trip and her bus was late. I got mad at dad in front of Joyce, but we left by 10:15.

We went to Mr. Gs and afterwards drove her home and we looked at the stars. There was a cloud in the darkness shaped like a man.

I noticed Frank walking home as I was leaving and picked him up to bring him home. All in all, it was fun.

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Wed, 06 May 2026 15:19:21 GMT

Steve called. He was busy getting ready for Sandy's birthday party tomorrow. He said he won't be able to call me tomorrow, as he'll be too busy. More small talk followed. Mom took me to Lincoln Mall at night.

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All Frank

Wed, 06 May 2026 15:17:47 GMT

Rehearsal. I was dropped off at Frank's. Tracey brought us.

Frank was delighted because Todd is leaving Saturday. He can't wait. I told Todd "au revoir."

Earlier that day, I had a talk with Steve. He thought I was upset with him, but I actually wasn't, this time. He said he'd always stop for any animal, and I said I tried, but I couldn't stop prevent hitting it.

Tonight's rehearsal was just for Coleen, Jason (who is not home yet), Bill and I. Sandy was also there for work. She's really very nice. How she is able to put up with Frank, who tried to recite to her an entire song, is beyond me.

Bill drove Frank and I home. It was a very "knowing" conversation. "Frank's the one who's into video games," he said. As if we were talking about our significant others.

[2026 Observation: I remember liking this feeling. Corb and I have never really had another gay couple that we could talk domestic bliss with. This was a feeling I tasted briefly in this moment...and not, frankly, truly. But I always wish that I had.]

When I arrived home, Laurie wanted to know who the gorgeous guy was who was behind the wheel. I laughed and said, "He's all Frank's."

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Catch up with MB and Pauline

Wed, 06 May 2026 13:48:57 GMT

Another busy day. This one felt like I barely had enough time to fit everything into it.

A big focus was on clearing out Corb's former gallery at Shiplap, as Brit has closed out the Furniture Store. Most of the remaining items in the hallway will be going into Shiplap proper and it motivated Corb to reinvent the area.

Another part of that motivation involves an interview I will be conducting at Shiplap on Thursday morning with my friend Ally D at Fidelity. They want to interview me for a segment they are working on around market volatility fears and retirement. I had suggested that since my retirement is really from the Corporate world to focus on some personal goals and dreams, including Corb's business, why not conduct the interview at his space? They really seemed to like the idea.

In addition, the Sun contacted me yesterday about an idea I had pitched to them around my 80th anniversary presentation and Marilyn Williams, the 95-year-old woman who had been an original member of the Eldredge Singers. They would like to speak with both of us and take photos. It will be a good promo for Hunchback.

Finally, at the end of the day, Corb and I went to dinner with MB and Pauline. We had a great evening, catching up and spreading a bit of gossip. I of course shared some of the entries from my 1983 project, since they figure so prominently in many of the entries and had a few huge laughs over how silly we were back then.

I had mentioned that for many entries I shake my head and groan, thinking how dramatic I was. MB says she does the same exact thing.

MB has allowed her mom, who is 96, to move in with her. She says she spends most of the time sleeping and she isn't sure how well she is keeping up with personal hygiene. "I don't want to get that old," MB said. "I think I could, under the right circumstances," replied Pauline. This did prompt a rather dark conversation about how, at 60, that is only three decades away. We may think differently at that point, if we are still around.

Pauline mentioned that John's son is still living with them and jobless. John has continued to lose weight and is not sure why. He is meeting with a doctor at the end of May.

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Game Changer

Wed, 06 May 2026 13:33:43 GMT

The wisdom tooth seems to be feeling a bit better, now, which I appreciate. Still not 100 percent healed (I still get little twinges of pain), but I am able to drink coffee again and that is helpful.

Today was a productive day. Yesterday afternoon, Anna let me know that her sister passed in Wales after a long battle with dementia, so I emailed the board to let them know that I would be buying a care package on behalf of the board, something Anna always does for us. I settle on A Spoonful of Comfort, something I started using with my team after we lost Kyra. They have great chicken soup.

In addition, I finally decided not to wait for Corb and purchased the plane tickets back from Barcelona, which is the final purchase we need for our trip to Paris/Barcelona/Rome. It is less than a month away now and having something incomplete like that was bothering me. I also completed the Royal Caribbean check-in.

I also decided to really focus on the marketing for Hunchback, rather than the PR, and spent about two hours working on getting some of the paid advertising set up.

That night, Theo came over for dinner. He is going to grad school now and will be doing his internship soon. And as a result, would like to borrow some money from me, which he promises to repay. He had an entire presentation put together to show me how he plans to pay me back. Of course, I will help him out.

We also watched our favorite TV show, Game Changer, and had dinner with him. His best friend MacKenzie is headed to Ireland in a few weeks to be with her wife. I know that Theo will miss her terribly. In some ways, I think Theo looks at MacKenzie the way I used to look at Steven. I do hope time will be as kind to him as it has been for me.

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Truth avoidance rehearsals

Tue, 05 May 2026 14:50:32 GMT

I drove Kevin to rehearsal. We talked a bit, and he says that he knows me better than I think.

[2026 Note: this is a clearly an "I think you are gay" reference. I chose to ignore it, because I was so repressed. But also, what would Kevin have done with that information? Sometimes not responding is the best response.]

We also picked up MB, Pauline and frank. Kevin embarrassed Frank by asking about Bill. Frank said that Bill isn't totally "sure" and Kevin said that he'll have to have a talk to "convert" Bill.

Right.

Kevin also said that Ronnie is banned from his house since his mother and father found out. That's why Kevi needed a ride--he doesn't have a car because he doesn't work with his Dad any more. He asked Frank if he could borrow his tent.

Rehearsal was at the Attleboro Chamber of Commerce building. We worked on "Guys and Dolls" and also learned the Jitterbug from Jeanie Harrison. Sue came early and talked to Frank in private. He told us later that she told him she couldn't play piano for the show because of personal problems. He was crushed.

New faces in the crowd--Sandy Cullen, who has the lead and reminds me of Lori Smith. Ricky Sanzaro, who reminds me of Rick Springfield. Maurine Weiss, who was in Once Upon a Mattress and is NOT pleased with her part, and has told Frank that. Richard Silva, a nice guy and a friend of Coleen's, and Michael Williams, a very nice dude.

After rehearsal, Steve and Pauline went with me to Mr Gs and had a lot of fun. After that, Steve and I drove around (or Steve did, at least). He showed me a few things, like the place where he first went skinny dipping (since you want to know about me, he said).

Steve said that if he ever wanted to end our friendship, he'd tell me all about himself.

I doubt it would end our friendship.

On the way home from his house, I ran over a black [DOESN'T SAY]. I felt so bad. I felt so guilty.

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First Perfectly Frank

Tue, 05 May 2026 14:22:55 GMT

Our first Frank rehearsal, at his house. We didn't have the books yet, but we received copies of the songs we were starting with that night ("Guys and Dolls" and the opening section of the Act One finale "I hear music.")

Steve and I got into a massive fight because he really wasn't paying attention to me. We started out okay, but I berated him for not calling in two days, but that really wasn't so bad.

We made group introductions, and Steve was a bit shy (a switch).

Rehearsal went okay, though. Still, I was upset. I punched Frank's fridge and went to be by myself for a while. And Steve left and I waited for dad to pick me up.

While waiting, I stayed with Frank and his friend, who we think would like to be more than a friend. He's the person Frank has been writing poetry to. His name is Bill Urmstrom, and he is a nice guy. He has a girlfriend, too.

I arrived home and immediately called Steve. He said he was expecting my call, although his mom was ripped. He told me that during the play he is going to talk to everyone and not just me. Okay, I guess I can see that.

We talked about many things, like our future what with college and all. And I hate to have to impress it upon him, but I'm not going away just because I am going to college! I'll always be his friend whether he likes it or not. And he'd better like it.

Well, we talked until midnight, and finally called it a night, after he tried burning the hair off his legs and things like that. I feel asleep happy, though.

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July 4 before the beach house

Tue, 05 May 2026 14:09:02 GMT

While Steve went to Boston, I went over to visit Joyce. We went out to eat, and I listened to a hysterical Tom Lehrer album.

Karen knows a guy who helped Tom Lehrer write his lyrics.

It was a lot of fun.

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Lazy day, my razor blade could use a better edge

Tue, 05 May 2026 14:06:24 GMT

Had a very short talk with Steve today. He was rather busy with something (I know not what) so we just spoke for a bit. Tomorrow Steve goes to Boston for a 4th of July parade with his sister and brother.

Lazy day, on the whole. Nothing much to talk about really.

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Nancy night

Tue, 05 May 2026 14:03:47 GMT

I had long talks with both Deb Flamand and Pauline today. With Pauline, I made a game out of disproving her theories, but my examples became more and more ludicrous and I finally gave up.

Tonight I went out with Nancy. We went to Mr. Gs and to Bliss. I saw Lynn and Jenny there. We finally ended up at Frank's.

[2026 note: why do all my entries involve ending up at Frank's? I do not remember visiting him this much!]

I snuck into his cast book to read comments without him knowing. Miss Cobb wrote some mean comments about Steve (''a bit of a pain," and as usual, things about his voice.) and some of the stuff I felt was uncalled for.

We stayed a while. Frank tried to draft Nancy into doing the play. But, Nancy wanted to leave. She told me later that she's changed. She doesn't fit into the Drama scene any more.

I drove her home (a first!) and afterwards had a late night talk with Steve. He was depressed and wanted to quit. I told him he wasn't a quitter, he'd better not or else I'd quit the play, too.

Kevin and Mark came in in the middle of our conversation--it's Kevin's birthday. Talked to Mark a while (he made a comment on Steve).

[2026 note: kind of an example of vagueposting decades before this was a thing. My recollection is that Mark was comparing my relationship to Steve almost as a couple, which I found flattering.]

I hope I succeed in convincing Steve to stay in, as his presence is very important to me in this play. If he does quit, I will quit, too. It's that simple.

Talked about other things--his play, his future as Director of the Talent show. I had wanted him to go with Nancy, but he didn't want to for some reason.

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Opening night aftermath

Mon, 04 May 2026 21:43:05 GMT

I drove MB and John to where the cast party was, which was at Dick's place. I had maybe two beers and no conversation with Steve before I volunteered to help Coleen get food at Kai Lua, since Dick neglected to get much.

At Kai Lua, Coleen and I talked about a lot of things, including Jeannie. Both say they bear no ill will, but there seems to be oh-so-much hate!

After we returned, I asked Steve if he wanted to have that talk now. After gathering a bit of Chinese food, we started outside. The first thing he did was attack the fact that I had four beers, saying that I lied when I said I would never drink again.

He told me he apologized to Deb (she didn't particularly accept, she told me later) and said that we (Deb and I) weren't that great friends. I never said we were!

We ended up in Chet's car.; We were talking about a lot of things, like how he was upset last night and how Mr and Mrs Dobro spoke with him. Mr Dobro thinks I'm gay now. Well, fuck him.

[2026 Observation: Mr. Dobro was absolutely correct, of course. Or at least, bisexual but very repressed.]

Well, things got more and more intense and I started to cry. Steve turned the lights on, and I turned away.

"Maybe I want to see you cry," he said.

I dried my tears and we pursued another topic--Chet. I said I was a bit jealous, and he said, "well, at least I know I can trust Chet. That he won't hit me when I turn my back on him." (which I did when while practicing my dance during Intermission.). And, won't be angry with him every five minutes.

And the tears fell again, because I knew I was right.

"You can turn the lights on again if you want to see real tears," I said to him in the dark.

And he was right...I am such a faggot.

And he knows how insecure I am. He says people have been saying how I have changed, become different, almost defeated.

So I said, "Well, you know the person who defeated me really well."

He knew I was really upset. I wanted him to know.

"Well," he said. "I don't want to not be friends with you ever again."

He suggested a four-day period to think things over, but then said he would call me tomorrow.

We returned to the party. Had an ice fight that was interesting.

[2026 note: I am pretty sure that was a sexually charged reference.]

In the meantime, Frank was depressed as he had invited Ronnie to the party hoping to put the move on him. Ronnie and Kevin broke up, and Ronnie hates Kevin now. However, it turns out Ronnie is now taking up with Tracey, in full view of everyone.

Jason was with Kevin for a while, but as I walked into a side room, I saw Kevin with, of all people, Jackie! I ran out of the room, quickly.

Deb snuck off with Deb, Dave and Sandy somewhere.

Joyce and Jenay lefty early, sometime during my talk with Steve.

Chet tried to hit on Pauline but didn't succeed.

Coleen was all over everyone, like Jason and Kevin, and Richard was at the party!

Christa wasn't home, she was partying somewhere else.

Chet drove Steve home, and I drove MB, Pauline and John home. We left around 130.

All in all, a very interesting time. Chet and Frank moped around a bit depressed all evening.

[2026 Observation: Poor Frank. This was his show! From what I recall, the party got even more interesting after we all left. This was the night I believe David once remarked that he ended up naked in the living with a "bunch of gay guys and Debbie." I probably have that recorded somewhere.]

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Perfectly Frank Opening night

Mon, 04 May 2026 21:16:50 GMT

Performance! My parents didn't come tonight; they are planning on going tomorrow. Dad gave me the car for the night, but tomorrow I am bumming rides.

MB, Deb and I left to pick up Deb's dress at MB's. We passed Steve on the way and he said hi only to MB. I didn't let it get to me, or tried not to--and explained the whole thing to MB.

The performance itself went great. They videotaped it tonight. Sales were fairly good--as good, almost, as most plays at North High. We received our curtain calls before the show and frank gave a pep talk. The orchestra, especially the trumpets, were awful.

Between segments during Act Two, I walked alone for a while, and Steve came over to join me. He tried to be a bit nicer, but I was cold. Chet said that Steve had been very upset last night, so upset he had to sleep over Chet's house because he was in no condition to go home. Steve added more to this--he said he was close to total upset, wondering whether I got home last night. He said that he guesses that's what trusting someone does. He sounded very bitter and said that now I was going to be with Deb anyway, so it didn't matter.

I told him Deb could never fill his place and he knows that.

Well, we had to leave off our conversation as we had to go back into positions. Not much was accomplished, but Steve said he wanted to talk after the cast party. And talk we will, my friend. Talk we will.

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Down in the Depths

Mon, 04 May 2026 18:50:18 GMT

While I was in the nurse's office I wrote a long note to Steve, but it was mean and not what I wanted to say at all. I was upset and confused.

"Cry to your own friends," he said. I wanted to cry--badly.

"Maybe if you solve your own problems, maybe I'll be your friend," he said. But my major problem was Steve! I need his friendship.

Upset and confused, I showed the note to Mike and asked him to talk to Steve. He said he would.

Later in the halls, I saw Steve with Princess and yanked him away from her. He wasn't too warm, but he didn't yell.

It got worse, though, when he opened his locker and I realized he hadn't gotten his "present: yet. He looked at it, said "I'll read this and give you my verdict later," and left.

I called Pauline later to talk it over. She said she had seen Mike drag Steve down the hall and later had seen him outside the theater, depressed.

She asked him if it had to do with me, and he said "Yes."

But I've heard it all before. What does it all mean?

[2026 NOTE: This was the start of Mitchell saga, volume 17, which was dedicated as follows: Since last volume was supposed to be my last high school one, I continue that dedication to Steven Fuller, my no. 1 and only bestest friend in the world." The title of the volue was: The Place you Love," a line from the song "Passages."]

[Addendum: some of these entries are really hard to type. I shake my head and curse myself out for my silliness.]

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Princess Peeved.

Mon, 04 May 2026 18:31:09 GMT

Today I had a small fight with Princess because I thought she was becoming friends with Steve. But she knew I was mad and also knew why, and of course we patched things up.

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Honor Society breakfast

Mon, 04 May 2026 18:28:46 GMT

Had the honor society breakfast today. It was uneventful save for this weird kid next to me who brough Algebraic flashcards with him wherever he went.

Steve berated me for coming in late and wearing cuffs with my sweater (folding up my sleeves, that is).

Also, I walked Beth up to her class. I thought Steve was hiding on me, so I told Beth to say hi to the fag hiding behind the columns. Little did I know he was right behind me the whole time!

Had a thespian meeting--good old Davey-poo was there and both Deb and I groaned. Why is he out to annoy me? I cannot figure him out at all.

We chose who were inducting. I decided to take Heidi Hill instead of Steve because I thought he'd get mad. So instead, Steve E and Tim have Steve to do. I didn't love Tim getting it, but jealousy will get you nowhere. After that, Chet and I went around and delivered programs to the various companies who supported Anything Goes.

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Passages

Mon, 04 May 2026 18:21:26 GMT

Spent most of the day in the theater with Deb and Frank picking out songs to do for the entertainment section of the Induction. I finally decided on "Climb Every Mountain" and Deb Flamand's thinking of "Sensitivity."

I got her out of 7th period today even if her teacher, Mrs. Cook, had quite a few snide remarks about it (she is head of the Talent Show).

After school we had a practice for Passges, which is going to be a song sung by the seniors at graduation, not to be confused with the class ode, which is a song written by Allison, with music by Frank. (Frank asked me, but I never came through. Still, I was pissed.)

Line up: Allison, Lori Hustler, Sue Leach, Marie Louise Schilling, Deb Manson, Pauline, MB, Deb Flam, Frank, Jon Young

It went okay, and the song is nice.

MB, Pauline and I worked quite a bit with Mr. Bunten on ending for Climb Every Mountain.

Marie Louise Schilling is in Passages. She is a sweetheart, an exchange student who was also in Anything Goes.

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Last day of High School

Mon, 04 May 2026 18:13:31 GMT

My last day of high school (boo hoo!). I left first period to work on "Passages." Deb wasn't in school today.

Had my last lunch. Tim and Joel came down and the people at the table told Steve to stop following Tim around. Steve was passing out pictures, and gave one of me TO me and didn't want it back.

Went to Spanish. Mrs. Oiudobro wrote me a short note in Spanish for me. I couldn't understand it and she sighed in frustration. Kim wrote me a really sweet note that touched me.

During the period I went out and delivered my final locker gift to Steve. I had written him a ten page letter telling him how much his friendship means to me. I also gave him The Hobbit, which I had promised to him years ago.

I don't care if I got too mushy, I meant every word of it. I care so much, even if he doesn't anymore, and I had to let him know one final time.

After I returned, though, Lynn Davis started up on how much she hates Steve and how he annoys her.

I bunked my last two classes and fought with MB and Pauline because I wanted to visit with them and they wanted to go home alone to talk about things. My fault, as usual.

My last day of school. Oh, I will miss good old NAHS! It's been four real rewarding years, but somehow I feel I have a bit of growing to do--and a lot more great times with the friends I made through the years.

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