tedwords

I should have gone to Newport...

2026-09-15T21:08:48Z

This July 4th, my parents took the rest of the kids to Newport, leaving me alone and with a car. Of course, I took advantage of the situation.

I spoke with MB first, but she was with Norm...or soon was going to be. I next called Pauline, who was about to go to work. I dropped by her house before she left, and MB called, so I spoke with her while Pauline changed.

As soon as Pauline was ready to leave, I was off to Deb F's house. Kim and Diane were there, and we all watched Days of Our Lives and ate lunch.

I dropped Wheel of Fortune off with Deb, and we then decided to visit Miss Cobb. We stopped off at my house so I could give a new copy of Wheel of Fortune to the divine Miss C. Miss Cobb had company when we arrived. We talked about the upcoming Mame, which Deb and I might try out for. Miss Cobb said she spoke to a lady named Laura at ALT about possibly doing my play, which Doug and Pauline also attended. Judy said she'd talk with Laura if she got a chance. Deb rambled on about her speech class, and Miss Cobb helped her.

We also talked about Charlie Brown briefly. Judy does not seem too interested, but suggested I speak to Lori P for costume suggestions.

We left, Deb with a few Drama books, and after I dropped Daffy off I went back to Pauline's house. Then I went home and amused myself with an old Oliver tape Joyce recorded for me.

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tedwords @ 1984-06-27T16:39:00

2026-09-14T20:44:04Z

Today I learned my part in Charlie Brown. I got Snoopy!

I was so excited and screamed on the phone to Frank.

I also picked up Steve at brass quintet rehearsal. Now, when MB and Pauline called to congratulate me, I was informed that Steve was put in the chorus, and since Frank told me he'd prefer to tell Steve himself, I was reluctant to tell him what him that.

But I did. I was depressed for him, and he was mad as hell, especially since Bill got Shroeder and Steve is much better than Bill.

Steve kind of took out his anger on me by putting me down, but I was able to take it. We drove to the Mall and then tried to see a movie but were too late. So we went out for ice cream after a walk in a park and called it a night. We had a lot of fun with the waitress, she was funny.

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Gremlins

2026-09-14T20:39:26Z

Tonight I went out with Deb and Joyce. It was a pretty good evening--they both showed up with different directions on how to get to Showcase.

When we got there, we met Chet, and he ended up sitting with us to watch Gremlins. It was a great film. Chet sat next to Deb and tried to pick her up. It didn't work.

We departed, and I dropped Deb off after a small ride. Joyce says she thinks Deb dislikes her, because she acted "cool." Joyce and I went to HoJos, then I dropped her off.

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Miss Cobb tribute

2026-09-14T20:34:22Z

Tonight was Miss Cobb's evening. Steve called before I headed to it and asked if I would pick up Sandy from the train station. Of course I agreed and we first went on our way to buy her flowers. we got into a minor fight over that as I asked, in an ever-so-snide way, "For Sandy?" Steve does not appreciate my sarcasm sometimes.

A bit miffed at his reaction, I started to pull out of the flower studio and ended up backing into a bunch of picnic tables. No damage was done, except to my ego. Steve laughed his ass off and of course delighted in telling Sandy ALL about it.

Sandy was super nice when we picked her up and we drove to the dinner, although Sandy at first thought it was at NAHS. But we finally arrived.

Among those who were invited but did not go: Deb F and Fi, Joyce, Pauline, Doug, MB, Nancy. Doug said "I can't honor a woman who refuses to talk to me."

I entertained myself by flirting with Mrs. A

When Miss C arrived we all yelled surprise and I shall never forget Lori P's comment as a group of us waited in line to speak with Miss C. "I am not waiting here," she declared. "It's insulting."

Steve and I sat with Sandy P and Pat R, but changed it after a bit to sit with Lori, Christa, Frank, Sue Gauthier and a strange man named BE Boyle. All he spoke about was war, war, war.

Frank was enthralled with yesterday's auditions, and besides that, acted a bit spacy. Mrs M was terribly thankful to me about Sandy, and Miss Cobb and I had a nice chat about my play.

Steve and I had a minor tiff when I claimed he was ignoring me. "If you ruin this night for me or my mother..." he hissed.

The Entertainment was okay. The Judy C song was not so bad, Kurt ruined Walk Tall, Christa was of course very good and made Miss Cobb cry during Climb Every Mountain, which was Miss Horth's favorite song. It was also nice for everyone to sing with Deb A. Toppie gave an ego inflating speech.

In addition? Sylvia got drunk, Mark H was tipsy, and Mrs A was on the floor trying to pick up, of all people, Frank. Sylvia tried to pick up Leah, and ended up trying to exit into a driveway.

Jenny was a bit rude to me, as usual, and ended up being picked up by Daryl. The meal was good.

A present and picture collage was Miss Cobb's gift, and her speech was sweet.

I drove Steve home. Jenny followed us to pick up a tape. Steve and I ended the night in an oddly polite fashion. He has to go to Boston tomorrow.

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Tryouts Charlie Brown

2026-09-14T20:15:30Z

Tonight I went to the try-outs for Charlie Brown. I picked Steve up and from there we picked up MB and Pauline.

The try-outs were held at the YMCA in Eldredge, where auditions were held a few months ago. It was a typical ride: Steve and I, MB and Pauline, and never the twain shall meet. I do think it was good for the two of them to be together after all the harsh words that they have shared, but still...

At one point, MB did say to me, "Please don't let me act like this to Pauline."

Before audition, we went to HoJos, which made us a bit late. There weren't many people at auditions, although there was a lot of talent. I tried out for Snoopy and sang "Won't You Charleston with Me." Carmen assisted by singing "To dance with you is thrilling to my poor ego." To which I replied, "So Carmen, say you're willing to shake a leg." It got a laugh.

Carmen was there with Gary P, who was trying out.

Steve took a while to decide if he was trying out, in that way he has, and ultimately sang from "Bells Are Ringing." It was good. He did a very good job, and I know I was not being biased because Pauline said the same thing. Jason and Mark also tried out, and were awful.

MB did Walk Tall and Pauline decided to try out Saturday.

I also learned that the Giffords are moving. Kim officially changed her name to Andrea.

After rehearsal, Steve and I went back to HoJos, then to Four Seasons to play Krull. Then I drove him home. It was a nice night.

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Walk Tall

2026-09-14T20:05:30Z

Walk Tall rehearsal consisted of Steve, MB and I. Kurt was made a member, too. MB and I spent time reminiscing about Perfectly Frank. Steve spent the time playing volleyball.

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Squirt

2026-09-14T20:03:32Z

Steve called around 4. I'm getting into a bad habit: being mean after any sense of absence from him. He has been busy with finals and all. But of course, I was mean and was all entranced with his new squirt gun (all the kids in high school have one) and squirting Mark.

We didn't do too badly until I accused him of thinking of Sandy as God, and God spelled backwards is...well, he took a great deal of offense to that and hung up on me.

I called back at 5:45 to apologize for being a jerk. Steve brought his squirt guns when I picked him up, and we squirted Chet and a fat girl in silly hats in their car. We followed Chet home and tried to get him twice more.

Then we went to the Lincoln Mall and bought matching jackets. We then played a few games and then went to K-Mart to view the squirt guns. Then we went to the movies in Foxboro, but there was time to spare, so we drove to a place to find dark glasses for Steve. The most we got out of that was Steve playing Memories from Cats on the piano and squirting a poor old man on the street.

The movie was really funny, although since Steve saw Ghostbusters with Sandy, I pretended not to be thrilled. Steve was kind of grumpy on the way home and kept playing with my watch.

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Pot. Kettle.

2026-09-14T19:55:21Z

Today was yell at Pauline day. I told her off concerning a number of things: the most important, that she seems to place Doug above us.

Having spoken to MB, I find it disconcerting to think that Pauline would tell MB they are not best friends. I'd rather die than hear that, and I honestly don't think Pauline is thrilled, either.

"I don't think some people will like what I've become," she said. I think one of those people is Pauline herself.

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Off to Brimfield

2026-09-13T18:00:37Z

Yesterday we woke up at six thirty to get ready for the final Brimfield outing of the year.

For those who don't live in New England, the Brimfield Antique Flea Market is the largest outdoor antique show in the United States, held along a mile-long stretch of Route 20 in Brimfield, Mass. It takes place three times a year, Tuesday through Sunday and is a huge event, with 20 separately owned show fields housing thousands of dealers. Vendors sell everything from high-end vintage furniture and fine art to quirky collectibles and rustic Americana.

It's fun. Had you asked me five years ago, I wouldn't really have had any idea what the Brimfield Fair was. Nowadays, I have the dates written down on my calendar, because I know we are going to be headed there at some point in the week.

Not that Corb really picks up too much in the way of lighting supplies. Truth is, you aren't going to find too many steals in the way of merch: most of the vendors there price the way Corb prices, even if what they are offering involves lighting fixtures that need rewiring and cleaning. So he's better off finding his merch elsewhere, and we tend to go just for ourselves. Oh, and the 20,000 steps of walking we will invariably do, offset only by the food we will surely eat.

I did find some good deals, myself. There is a vendor there that specializes in rare antiques and has always had at least three shelves of Oz books. This time around, we engaged in a nice long conversation with him, and I ended up spending quite a bit at his booth, including the purchase of The Book Collectors Guide to L Frank Baum and Oz, which is a beautifully laid out book that is rather rare and valuable, and he was kind enough to give me a nice discount on. Of course, I did purchase four other books from him.

The day was absolutely lovely. It was a perfect fall New England day with the sun shining and enough clouds overhead so it wasn't too hot out. Unlike today, which is completely rainy--several of the vendors were already packing up to leave at the end of the day yesterday, to avoid the Brimfield mudfields, which are a big, sloppy mess. I can't say I blame them.

Our traveling companions were Corb's mom, who we haven't seen since our week-long cross-country trip, and our friend Beata, who is a lovely European lady who does quite a bit of traveling throughout the year and loves antiquing. Beata and Corb's mom get along quite well, and it is nice to have someone she can walk with, as she is not a good browser and tends to look at every single item, which can be deadly at a place like Brimfield. As a result, while we walked 20,000 steps, they only did 7,000, an indication of the greater distance Corb and I were able to cover.

"Next time we should come the day before and just not tell them," said Corb as we were off adventuring the afternoon. He is completely right. We would be so much more efficient that way.

That night, we ate at our favorite restaurant in the area, the Publick House, a historic inn built in 1791 that is nestled on acres of beautiful countryside. The place is beautifully maintained and the food is always quite good. I had a lobster pie.

And today? Just staying indoors and keeping dry. I have a rehearsal tonight so I have spent some time working on blocking and preparing. Was supposed to see my parents this afternoon but they cancelled due to the weather.

I did have a good conversation with Pauline for a while, in between blocking. She is thinking about moving to Florida...I guess this seems to be the period in our life where these things happen, since my brother is down there too. I wouldn't want to live in Florida...my feeling is Corb and I will someday live overseas or in another country, and it's kind of nice to start dreaming those dreams.

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Friday night martini

2026-09-13T17:30:30Z

Another Friday upon us! It's been about a month since I last raised a Friday night toast, as the summer's end has been a super busy time, with the huge road trip to Cleveland and Amish country and many, many Elton rehearsals. Tomorrow we head off to Brimfield bright and early.

Of course today marks 25 years since a tragic event most of will never forget. Is there anyone who doesn't recall where they were when the news appeared on the television? Or the fear and sadness we all felt? We were truly one at the time...unlike these days, when we are so Not One. These days, the hatred is internal and the destruction is...well, you get the picture. But so lovely to see Former presidents come together as One to remember that day.

On a totally unrelated note, today also marks five months since I said farewell to the corporate world, and it does feel like it's flown by. I've done so many things and don't feel my pace has slowed down...if anything, it's sped up. But I think that's because I'm no longer trying to make it through the five work days to get to the two tiny days of happiness. Nowadays, Corb and I are doing the things we care about seven days a week. And it feels good to be so productive and creative.

In fact, I actually broke the 200 mark this week and stayed there for five days straight, which means I've lost 17 pounds since I left the corporate world. I haven't been on any kind of medication either, its just been not sitting eight hours a day, walking and exercise, and eating more moderately. No more stress eating days. Those are behind me.

The last time I was under 200 was four years ago, when I had just gotten my team at work and started undergoing cardio rehab. The rehab was good, the stress wasn't. There were nights where I couldn't sleep more than an hour or two at a time; I would just lay in bed and think about what I needed to get done, to be perceived as a "leader" (man do I hate that word), to figure out how to motivate, be proactive, be efficient and effective, and inspire.

I respect people who enjoy that sort of thing, but the Gen Xer in me wants to vomit just typing those words.

I would wake up in the morning and be so, so tired. I would pray my health reprieve wasn't short lived, because the lack of sleep and weight gain I was seeing couldn't possibly be helping me recover.

Over time, I learned to cope and develop tricks to survive. But honestly, I am so, so glad I decided to leave that world behind. I could do it, I did it well, but it wasnt what I truly wanted for my life. Never had been. I did it for an end goal: to be where I am today.

I would rather inspire from a completely different perspective. Working on more creative stuff, even if it won't be viewed by as many people. Getting what I think is important done. Relearning who I truly am.

A few people have said I look more relaxed these days. I totally am. I am working on things I care about. And evaluating what's important and what I can change next each and every day.

So tonight, I raise a berry melon martini and raise a toast to coming together as one, to caring about what you are working on and to inspiring others by showing what you are inspired by. Life is worth living in technicolor, and all of us want to be a part of the landscape in the most colorful way we know how. Here's to a rainbow of colors. And not racing through the workday to get to the weekend.

These days are worth it. Sometimes I think life is like a reverse sandwich: you get twenty years of the good stuff, and then spend decades making as much bread as you can til you get back to the good stuff again. I'm glad I'm there. And slightly jealous of those who figured this out before I did.

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Steve's Leaving

2026-09-11T21:31:26Z

Steve called me around 5:30: "Where were you?"

He gave me his right proper speech and made me feel guilty. Then he informed me that since I was singing Walk Tall, I was invited to the Entertainment Committee tonight at seven at Chet's house.

I got the car and drove there. It was interesting: Mrs. D spoke all about "Frankly Frank" (as she likes to call it) and sang an awful version of "Happiness Is..." with an off-key Matt and Jason, since they are the youngest members.

Deb A spent the entire evening talking about David and barely mentioning Kurt. Lori P looked bored and none too happy about Happiness, which Frank loved and proceeded to sing for us, a second time.

Tracey was there with some girl, not Ron.

(2026 Note: This might be Val.)

I drove Steve home. He said I was cold to everyone in there. He also informed me that he has made the decision to work in Boston this summer. And only come home once a week.

I was upset. Very upset. Since neither of us had any money, I just dropped him off and peeled out of the driveway of his house.

Before I could call him at home to yell at him and cry, he called me, the instant I went to pick up the phone.

Our talk was really nice. He said he was worried I'd kill myself leaving his house and that the first person he thought of was me when he accepted the job.

I said I'd miss him, and if it was just to be once a week, he'd get lots of letters. He gave me Sandy's address and explained why he was going: 1) He needs the money and 2) He can't stand being in the same house with Dean for more than one hour, and a summer would be hell.

He played Cats, and we had a really nice talk. It felt good, being able to talk things over like this. It's nice, being able to have someone to care in, to trust and talk with. I think it's strange how I never have never felt more real feelings for any other one person in my entire life. Sometimes I have to hit myself to believe that he is real and not some imaginary best friend that I've dreamt up in my mind.

My luck has never been the best, but he makes up for every wrong turn I've taken in my life. He's the answer to every question I have.

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Reductive Inductions

2026-09-11T20:11:56Z

Tonight was the Thespian induction, and I must admit I was feeling in a malicious mood. I wanted Steve to call, but he didn't, and since I couldn't get in touch with anyone else, I went out with Joyce. I know I had made reservations to the Induction, and it was a creepy thing to do. But I just couldn't bear the thought of going, and...

Ah, Steven.

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Gremlins

2026-09-11T20:09:21Z

Went to see Gremlins with Cheryl. It was so great! I loved it.

Apparently, MB, Doug and Pauline were there, but I really didn't see them.

It was a nice night, and when I arrived home I started re-typing my play, which I had received back from Joyce.

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Knocked out

2026-09-11T20:07:19Z

Steve calls. He was angry because he said he knocked himself out trying to get me to say hi to him at the graduation.

How did I miss that? Why didn't he just come up and say hi?

I felt really bad, though. I am stupid, really stupid, sometimes. My best friend, the one I love best, and I can't even say hi to him. I am such a jerk.

[2026 observation: I note the repeated use of the word "love."]

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Nothing

2026-09-11T20:03:44Z

Today was my sister Laurie's graduation.

I remember the traditional goodbyes I used to give, but this year I don't see any reason to do that. Goodbye to Pam A, Kurt A, Deb A, John B, Lee-Anne, Patty, Babs, Patty Chet, Nancy F, Ric, Deb, etc. And all of the rest.

Hmmm. I hope that made me feel better.

I saw Doug and Pauline and Lynn R at the graduation, but briefly. I also spoke with Sandy, who says she may not go to RIC next year.

Steve was in the band. I tried not to look. This was odd--it was difficult not to keep my constant eye on him and at the same time, make it appear that I wasn't.

I decided to walk home. My hope was that Steve would see me passing by. I walked to Joyce's and picked up my bike.

Massively depressed. I feel like such a nothing today. An absolute nothing.

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Stimulation

2026-09-11T19:57:18Z

Steve's in Boston. Tonight I talked over the play with Joyce, and we got an awful lot accomplished. It was very stimulating.

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The Love Factor

2026-09-11T19:55:54Z

Picked up Steve for what he calls our traditional Friday night. We went to Lincoln Mall first, played our games and ate pizza.

On the way to see Star Trek 3, we had an interesting talk about virginity, and how I would never talk to him if he lost it before I did. He says he doesn't like to talk about that stuff because it's very personal.

I said, "You wouldn't even tell me?"

He replied, "After what you just said?"

Why do I get jealous? It's something I haven't experienced, and then of course there is the love factor.

Star Trek 3 was okay. There were jocks sitting next to us. After that I drove him home and got mad because I thought he broke my watch. He got really angry and told me that I always ruin things. He left me on a semi-bad note, and out of gas and cash.

I was terribly depressed when I arrived home. Why do I care so much?

But nothing could ever separate me from Steve. I could never leave him, it would kill me. I've put up with a lot, but the results are worth it. Love.

When I arrived home, I wrote a depressed letter to Holly, and wished I could talk with Michelle.

[2026 reflection: This is clearly the closest I got to admitting my true feelings to myself.]

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First mention of Taco Bell

2026-09-11T19:47:40Z

First some sad news: Mrs. Carr died today, of cancer. I felt deeply for her and thought she was a beautiful person. She truly cared about the students.

Pauline also called to tell me that the ALT storage house burned down last night. Arson is suspected and a massive salvage job is underway. It's so sad, because people like Doug and Miss Cobb have devoted so much work and time to it.

MB went to the Sr reception today with Steve E. She wanted Pauline and I to go desperately, but neither of us could make it.

Tonight I went out with Joyce to Taco Bell. Deb Fi called afterwards and was acting very weird. It's beginning to get to me.

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tedwords @ 1984-05-29T15:42:00

2026-09-11T19:44:06Z

Rode my bike to see Joyce. We went job hunting for her. Only her, even though I absolutely hate my job at Star Market.

On the way, Joyce almost killed us by disregarding a stop sign, and was upset about that.

I picked up the play from Pauline and plan to make revisions as soon as Joyce critiques it.

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More adventures with my version of Samantha Jones

2026-09-11T19:42:05Z

Deb F's latest exploits: Sunday, at a beach party, she ended up getting drunk and ended up at Mike's house. She had, according to her, an incredible night of sex. She left in the morning and she says they did EVERYTHING.

I also talked with Doug and Pauline concerning the play. They love it and Doug is very interested in making a videotape.

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tedwords @ 1984-05-27T15:36:00

2026-09-11T19:38:25Z

Joyce came over and drove me to the Lincoln Mall. It was very strange--she became quiet and dazed in the middle of the Mall, and it annoyed me to no end. we ate at the Magic Menu and then went to my house and watched TV.

After she left, I talked to Deb Fi, who just got out of work and seems depressed. as usual.

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Off to CCRI

2026-09-11T19:33:07Z

Steve's in Boston for two days, working for his new job on the Swan boats. His sister secured the job for him.

Deb F called and now has the hots for a born-again Christian. She says Mike is still acting like a baby.

Today I went to see the musical revue she was in, with the imaginative title All Singing, All Dancing. I went along with Doug and Pauline, MB and Norm. Given this configuration, I insisted on bringing Joyce. Note: CCRI is really ugly.

Joyce thinks Pauline was irritated I insisted she go and deliberately snubbed her.

[2026 observation: I am kind of proud that 1984 me is actually standing up for himself!]

The play we saw was okay, although Doug and Pauline went to the car to "rest" during Act Three. we were in such a rush to leave I didn't even get to talk to Deb afterwards.

Afterwards, I decided that Wheel of Fortune needs a bit of working so that is what I am doing now.

Doug is very excited about it.

[2026 Observation: I worked and reworked on Wheel of Fortune for the next three years, with help from my professor, Doc Hutch. It was very Tennessee Williams/Strindberg like, although it lacked a well-made structure. It was rejected as a senior project by the theater committee, and I was very upset by that. Traumatized, I would say. I never looked at the play again.

Still, it got me through a lot of sadness during those years. I remember the hours I would spend sitting in the Library working on it, and don't mind memory one bit.]

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Never Fade Away

2026-09-11T19:13:16Z

As soon as I made plans with Joyce for the night, who should call but Steve, to tear all my plans into little shreds. And I am not complaining. If I had a choice between Steven and the pope, it would be a tough decision.

[2026 observation: would it, really? I am not seeing anything particularly religious in these entries...]

Now, Steve did call from some girl's house (I think it was his girl-type friend) and ordered me to "get dressed."

So, plans change. I went out to a restaurant with Joyce, and then picked up Steven around eight. we went to see The Big Chill and had a good time during it.

Still, Steve's last comment tonight disturbed me. He said he was afraid that I was going to fade away and not be there for him. He tried to change it to include everyone, but the first impression really represented his true inner feelings, I think.

I KNOW. Oh Steve, if you only know how impossible it is that I would ever leave you!

[2026 observation: Is this foreshadowing? Only two months from now, everything stupidly changes...]

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Many calls

2026-09-11T18:08:43Z

Joyce arrived home today, and I am glad.

Deb Fi called. She seems very depressed about life, which she says is currently dull.

Nancy called, she is home and informed me at least 600 times that she is in love with a jock who stutters.

Later, Doug and Pauline called about Act Two of When It Rains. Doug took offense at a "do nothing" line in the play, but other than that, he is anxious to start work on it. Act Three is completed, of course.

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Meeting Norm

2026-09-11T18:05:53Z

Pauline called, asking if I wanted to see Indiana Jones with her and Doug. It was only when I got in the car that she mentioned that MB and Norman were going, too.

Sigh.

Well, I did my best to be the rudest I could. I totally ignored him, for example.

There were some good points. The movie was awesome and the talk about Beth and Eileen was funny. My fork trick was humorous.

But other than that, I think Norm is a dork and I do not want to have much to do with him.

Deb F called me, and well...her true love is no more. She and Mike broke up today, over some silly reason. She says she is a cry baby. Also, it probably didn't help that she had sex with Tim the day before.

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