Remembering Jim

[tedwords]

"The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page." St. Augustine

I was in the middle of torturing Corb with our Friday night shitty musical when we received the news.

Corb's brother texted him. Jim had passed about an hour ago. He had been upstairs trying to get his mother to sleep a bit when they heard a loud noise downstairs and went down to find Jim. 

It wasn't unexpected. Jim had been in hospice care for weeks. One of the therapists who came in had booked an appointment for Monday but had told Diana that he wouldn't be keeping it, since Jim would probably be gone before that day. 

It's funny how people react to these situations. In Jim's case, the various families have been somewhat horrible to each other. Jim was not a poor man, and his children (one especially) have been obsessed with splitting up the estate--and trying to give as little to Diana as they possibly could. Two days after the passing they were actively trying to take as much stuff as they could out of the condo Diana shared with Jim. They even contested how long Diana would be able to stay there. Including the bed Diana slept in. 

On the part of Corb's family, Corb's brothers have been just as horrible. Scott, who was engaged in a nasty monetary dispute of his own with Corb's mom when she first started dating Jim, has been obsessed with the thought that Jim's kids are trying to screw over his mother (and also, hating on Jim) and has been trying to stage 24 hour vigils at his mom's home to protect her from their evil ways. Greg has just been, well, Greg.

Let me tell you, it didn't make the wake (which they had neglected to tell Diana about until she read about it in Jim's obituary) something I was much looking forward to. Wakes are horrible enough, but having to deal with feuding families? 

Fortunately, by the time of the wake, tempers had chilled sufficiently so that Diana and Jim's kids seemed to be at peace. Other family members (including the oldest daughter) had put enough pressure (it seems) after a particularly nasty phone argument the week before between Diana and the youngest daughter, where they spent an hour yelling old family secrets they both knew about but had been holding back. Enough is enough, was the message after that. And by the time of the wake, while there where still little flare ups, calmer heads were prevailing. Diana was even able to persuade Scott and Greg to go (grudgingly).

Still, at the wake itself, everyone hung around in their separate camps. Jim's family stuck to themselves, Diana's fam stayed at the back of the funeral parlor.

That had to change at the dinner afterwards, because people had no choice but to interact. Fortunately (I think), Scott begged off from going to that, and Greg, while he was talked into going, made a scene the minute he got to the hall.

"I don't want to be here," he said. "These people don't want me here, I wasn't invited here, they don't like me. They've been acting like jerks--"

"Greg, stop that," Diana said.

"It's okay if you want to leave," Corb said, calmly. "Ted and I can take it from here.  If you're uncomfortable, go." Greg nodded and walked out of the hall.

Ah, Corb. I do love you. Even though you're the youngest of the brothers, you're certainly the most emotionally mature. Greg is a basket case, Scott is just obsessed with pretending to be leaderly. Aging white males can actually be the most unleaderly people the world has ever known.

Ted and I can take it from here. Okay. 

A few minutes after Greg's outburst, we were all standing at the table waiting to be seated and I somehow struck up a conversation with one of the daughters. "I'm so sorry for your loss," I said.

"Jim always spoke highly of you and Corb," she replied, somewhat cautiously.

"I always thought a lot of Jim," I replied. "I loved the stories he would tell, and it amazed me that he was so sharp even to the end and was still telling them. He was quite a guy." 

"He always enjoyed the parties you would throw." 

"Jim loved having fun. I loved his love of travel and food. He had the same love that we had. You know, every year around this time, I would go out of my way to order him the weirdest, strangest food that I could find. Bugs, spiders, weird meats. We once had him eat a 100-year-old egg at one of the parties. He did not enjoy that one. Probably because we had left the egg out for a few days before realizing it needed to be refrigerated. The Christmas before the pandemic, I was all set to order him a guinea pig, but the vendor couldn't deliver at the last minute. Jim lucked out that year."

She grinned. 

"Did he tell you about the time that we were at Corb's shop and he collapsed in my arms? I was holding him in my arms and bend down to kiss him on the cheek. I felt that he might be embarrassed by that but he was really touched. We talked about if afterwards." 

She nodded. "He told me about that one." 

Without warning, the smell of pot filled the area. She wrinkled her nose. I nodded. "You hate the smell, too, huh? Can't stand it."

I think we kind of bonded in that moment.

"Do you know who that was?" Corb whispered as Jim's daughter walked away to take care of a situation. "That is the one who hates mom the most!"

Oh.

Later during the dinner, a few people stood up to say a few speeches, remembering Jim. Diana had asked me to say a few words, being the most shy and unassuming. Of course I did, and I told some of the same stories I had mentioned to Jim's daughter. I winged a lot of it, but I deliberately ended with something I wrote down earlier that day. "What I really liked about Jim was his wide smile, his love of travel, his way with a good story, and his ability to see things from different sides. I think those are attributes all of us should have. And the thing is? They're things all of actually can."

I don't know if any of that had any impact on anything. But maybe because I had no skin in the game, I was able to make a difference. In a small way, perhaps.

I do know that at the end of the night, as the crowd was splitting up and we were all saying our good-byes, the daughter Corb's mom had been fighting with gave her a hug and said, "I know we've had our disagreements, but..."

And then the room got louder and I couldn't hear the rest of what she said.

"So what was it?" I asked Corb's mom later, at her condo.

She smiled, remembering. "She said she knows we've had disagreements, but she wished that the two of us could keep the things the way they were today. Because, the truth is, she really does care for me."

I don't if that feeling with continue in the weeks to come. But perhaps those words spoken in that moment were just what was needed. And if it can result in a few more days of quiet peace for Corb's mom, then more for the better. Jim would have wanted it that way. 

In the case of armed war between families, don't discount the diplomat. Sometimes quiet words, and not angry outbursts that get you nowhere, are exactly what the world needs. Please give me the strength to practice that more often.