tedwords

“Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again.” – Dorothy Fields

Here I am, it's 5:30 in the morning, and I really haven't had much sleep. But I have to wake up, have to face this challenge, and I guess it scares me.

Last week I started cardio therapy at a nearby hospital. Monday and Wednesday at 7 in the morning. Monday went fine, but that was just an introduction and twenty minutes on the treadmill. The treadmill is easy for me. I can 20 minutes, no sweat.

Wednesday was rougher. I hate waking up in the morning. Didn't eat before I headed off.

They started off with a twenty minute discussion about all the meds they put you on. I am not good when it comes to meds. The discussion freaked me out, put me in a bad frame of mind. I kept crossing my legs, fidgeting about. This is not how I want to define myself.

Then back to the treadmill. I did just fine again, of course. I thought that I would simply be on the treadmill for the entire hour, but twenty minutes into that and the therapist wanted me to try a bike machine to work my upper body, too.

"Do this at 30 for eight minutes." she said.

I started it up. It seemed easy enough. She watched me hit 50 easily.

"Keep it at 50 for eight minutes."

Pffft. I went to 70, I can do this. No sweat. And eight minutes in, I started to feel dizzy but pushed myself to go to ten minutes.

I felt so dizzy at the end. I had to get off. I went to sit down and..

I guess I passed out. My heart rate went down to 40. When I woke up, I was surrounded by people.

All I could think of was, I don't want to go back in the hospital.

I didn't. But for the remainder of the week, I've been freaked out about it. Felt vaguely queasy all week long.

Now I am headed back. Scared, frankly, and my sleeping was especially rough last night. Didn't take a sleep aid, as I am worried that the sleep aid may have been part of the problem.

In other news, saw a show Friday night that Dan was in. Ashes was anxious for us to see it. There was a lot of drama around it. He was good, the play was not so god, but it was really fun to get out and I actually made myself connect with someone I've had a long-simmering feud with for 30 years. It's time to let bygones be bygones.

That night, I fell asleep to an owl hooting outside our window and the cat purring next to my side. I felt very content, falling asleep that night.

I need that level of feeling content now. Why do I freak myself out so much? Why do I allow myself to get into my own head so utterly and completely?

I have a friend I have been talking to about this all. Texted him after it happened and wrote "I wanted to do well." He wrote back, "You DID do well. Now come back with a little less. The BUILD is the thing."

Time to start building. Today.