tedwords | Fever dreams

"Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” ― Oscar Wilde

I have two more stories related to our Greek vacation rattling around in my head. You all know how it sometimes takes me forever to put things down, so I might as well get them down so that I will have room for other things, so here goes.

Oh! Before I forget: for those of you who asked, Corb did get the refund from the shitty opera company. They refused to reimburse us, but Corb disputed it with PayPal and received our money back a few days after returning from the trip.

So, here's the first story, and it's kind of morbid, so please excuse me for that, and I will try not to dwell on it and also talk about what's happened since, just to provide proper context.

It's about the last night of the cruise. That day was a cruise day (it was also the last time I typed an entry), and I have to say, was totally lovely. We cried at dinner that last night, we really didn't want the experience to end. And there was the traditional last night celebration in the theater, and seriously, I take back any nasty comments I said about the entertainment...it wasn't Broadway, FER SURE, but these people worked super hard and it cant be easy to converse every night in English and Spanish and Italian! I was pretty damn impressed.

After the show, after gambling (and winning $350!) and as we were heading back to our suite (did I mention we had been upgraded to a suite literally two days before heading off? Yeah, that was nice) and walking down a long corridor of the ship, I suddenly, oddly thought to myself: "What if this is all a dream?"

What if I actually went to the hospital and died there? What if everything since then--the release, the promotion, the trip to Venice, the 120 miles we walked, the last night--was all in my head? One last pleasant memory the powers that be were giving me--maybe they do that for people when they die. Maybe this wasn't Corb by my side but some type of guardian angle. What if it all was so wonderful and so pleasant and...about to end right now?

And as we walked down the corridor I noticed that at the end of the corridor, it had gotten all red and fiery looking, and I thought: is this it? Am I headed to hell?

And we got there. And it was just the lighting in the main entertainment area on the third floor. And that eerie feeling that had engulfed me in the moment disappeared.

That night, as we were in bed for our final night in the boat, with the windows open and a full moon peering through the window, it happened again. As Corb was asleep next to me, I woke up around two and glanced at my phone. My friend Steven had messaged me something on Facebook and I messaged back.

And I thought to myself, I have known Steven--and had a mad crush on him for most of my teen years--since I was 16 years old. I wanted him as my best friend so badly. But what I really wanted was something I couldn't acknowledge and wouldn't dare say to him and it resulted in a lot of stupid fights between the two of us, because that was not what he wanted, because he had his own demons to fight.

And now I am 56 and we made up 5 years ago and are friends again after a 30 year silence. And suddenly I started thinking how those 40 years had gone by so quickly and how odd and wonderful it was that even though we have evolved and changed we are still talking and even though my feelings for him have faded into a warm feeling of "man I am glad the communication is still going" it was so great that the lines actually did open and I wouldn't have to regret that if I was ever going to--

And then, a clear memory. I was 17 and driving Steven to the mall on a Friday night, as we always did. And he put his hand on my leg and started to caress it and...

I jumped up in the bed, distressed. Was it possible to go back to moments like that? To change how things went down?

So much unresolved, in so many ways.

And I wondered, do the people in our lives stay with us from life to life? Do the interactions I have with Corb and Josie and Steven follow me from life to life, replay themselves, or play themselves out further, or give us resolution that we never achieved in the current life we are living? Some people are more prominent in one life, others in later editions?

Then I thought to myself: what if this is the last night of my life? How about if the angel of death was about to visit me, then and there? Am I ready? No. No, I am not ready. There is so much more to do. Please don't come tonight. Please.

Well, you can only imagine how the rest of the evening went.

"You were mumbling a lot in your sleep last night," Corb told me the next day. "It was driving me crazy."

"What did I say?" I asked, wondering how much he had heard.

"None of it. It was just mumbling. Only, kind of creepy."

I mean, clearly my fears came to nothing. I am back from the trip, life is still going on, and I am in a much better place. The Monday after I returned I met with a wellness coach/nutricionist, and she answered 1,001 questions I had, and I feel a lot better about things we are going to continue to meet every two weeks.

Work in my new role is going well, although a lot is still unresolved.

But what I am doing is still processing everything, because if nothing else this episode has started me thinking what I want this next chapter of my life to be about. And that's a good thing.

The other day, I noticed that a friend of mine had posted a photo of himself with a friend at lunch. And as I was looking at the photo, it dawned on me: I know who that is. Bobby M. We had been friends when I was 11 or 12 for about a year. He was so wildly creative: we wrote comics books together (he was a much better artist), created and played board games together. We spent a lot of Saturday afternoons and summer days together. And then, one day, we had an argument, I knew we were going to stop being friends, I just knew it. And we never spoke again.

Ah, what the heck? If Steve and I could resolve our differences, maybe it was time to reach out to Bobby again. I sent a friend request. He accepted it.

Life gives you options. Seize them.