So I told Pauline
Aug. 31st, 2002 01:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tedwordsI'm proud of myself for this.
The only people that really know (for certain) are Josie, a few friends she made during her last play (who wouldn't mind because they have similar interests), friends on Live Journal, and my sister, Laurie (I'll have to devote a whole entry to her one day. She's a lesbian, but we don't get along...Actually, she's coming home in a week so I'll probably talk about her then).
I had decided about two months ago that Pauline might be a good person to confide in. She's probably my oldest friend.
We've known each other since Junior High, although we didn't like each other much, then. In High School, we were the best of friends, along with my other friend Buns, especially my senior year and into college. We shared everything together--had overnights, went on trips, laughed, cried, flirted with each other...but there was one thing we didn't share.
In fact, Pauline's the person who got Josie and I together.
Anyway, I came very close to telling her about a month ago in Yarmouth at a beach house she rented. We were watching the kids while Josie was at a bachelorette party with Buns. The kids were playing outside and we were sitting in the living room. I had mentioned that Josie and I were having problems and I was concerned that we couldn't work it out, and she asked what could possibly be so bad that we couldn't overcome--had one of us been unfaithful? and I said, "No Pauline, it goes deeper than that." And she wondered out loud what it could be and I said, "I'd be willing to tell you, although it might be hard for you to keep it to yourself." I was thinking about Josie.
And she said she could, and I was a bit melodramatic, and then I started to tell her the truth...and Amber walked in. She had tied up Ashley and Tigger with a jump rope and was dragging them in to face a tribunal (the two of us).
So much for that conversation.
Anyway, we have mentioned it on and off since then, and I also discussed it with Josie. She didn't mind if I did, and we both wondered whether it would be much of a surprise for either Pauline or Buns.
This past Wednesday, Pauline called to see if I wanted to meet for lunch (she works in Cranston, I work in Warwick). We met at Papa Gino's and after we sat down we traded small talk and I said, "I'm going to tell you now, before I lose the courage."
And so, I did. I asked her if she was surprised. She said that she actually was. "How could you be?" I asked. "You were friends with me during Steven." She said she thought I might be at that time, but had just been going through a phase. Yes, a very long phase...
She also said that a lot of things now made perfect sense with this information, however. She asked what we were going to do. I said that we were going to stay together, but were considering an open marriage. She asked what kind of guys I liked. I said mid 20s, and mentioned that I tended to be attracted to guys who looked like Steven.
Only, with a better personality...
She said one of the things that never made sense to her is why I never was very upset after I learned that Josie had cheated on me with Jeff. This was before we were married. I probably would have been had I known at the time, but learning so long after the fact, I can understand that Josie was just angry and trying to sort things out.
Anyway, it was a good conversation. She doesn't hate me. I'm glad I did it. I feel a bit freer, actually. Josie and I talked about it afterward, and she revealed that she did tell Buns about six months ago! This doesn't surprise me (they're so close, and it turns out that Buns asked, point blank). I then asked Josie to level with me and tell me if there was anyone else. She said there wasn't. We talked about our friends and who we could confide in.
But that's a story for another day. I'm just glad to have taken this step.
The only people that really know (for certain) are Josie, a few friends she made during her last play (who wouldn't mind because they have similar interests), friends on Live Journal, and my sister, Laurie (I'll have to devote a whole entry to her one day. She's a lesbian, but we don't get along...Actually, she's coming home in a week so I'll probably talk about her then).
I had decided about two months ago that Pauline might be a good person to confide in. She's probably my oldest friend.
We've known each other since Junior High, although we didn't like each other much, then. In High School, we were the best of friends, along with my other friend Buns, especially my senior year and into college. We shared everything together--had overnights, went on trips, laughed, cried, flirted with each other...but there was one thing we didn't share.
In fact, Pauline's the person who got Josie and I together.
Anyway, I came very close to telling her about a month ago in Yarmouth at a beach house she rented. We were watching the kids while Josie was at a bachelorette party with Buns. The kids were playing outside and we were sitting in the living room. I had mentioned that Josie and I were having problems and I was concerned that we couldn't work it out, and she asked what could possibly be so bad that we couldn't overcome--had one of us been unfaithful? and I said, "No Pauline, it goes deeper than that." And she wondered out loud what it could be and I said, "I'd be willing to tell you, although it might be hard for you to keep it to yourself." I was thinking about Josie.
And she said she could, and I was a bit melodramatic, and then I started to tell her the truth...and Amber walked in. She had tied up Ashley and Tigger with a jump rope and was dragging them in to face a tribunal (the two of us).
So much for that conversation.
Anyway, we have mentioned it on and off since then, and I also discussed it with Josie. She didn't mind if I did, and we both wondered whether it would be much of a surprise for either Pauline or Buns.
This past Wednesday, Pauline called to see if I wanted to meet for lunch (she works in Cranston, I work in Warwick). We met at Papa Gino's and after we sat down we traded small talk and I said, "I'm going to tell you now, before I lose the courage."
And so, I did. I asked her if she was surprised. She said that she actually was. "How could you be?" I asked. "You were friends with me during Steven." She said she thought I might be at that time, but had just been going through a phase. Yes, a very long phase...
She also said that a lot of things now made perfect sense with this information, however. She asked what we were going to do. I said that we were going to stay together, but were considering an open marriage. She asked what kind of guys I liked. I said mid 20s, and mentioned that I tended to be attracted to guys who looked like Steven.
Only, with a better personality...
She said one of the things that never made sense to her is why I never was very upset after I learned that Josie had cheated on me with Jeff. This was before we were married. I probably would have been had I known at the time, but learning so long after the fact, I can understand that Josie was just angry and trying to sort things out.
Anyway, it was a good conversation. She doesn't hate me. I'm glad I did it. I feel a bit freer, actually. Josie and I talked about it afterward, and she revealed that she did tell Buns about six months ago! This doesn't surprise me (they're so close, and it turns out that Buns asked, point blank). I then asked Josie to level with me and tell me if there was anyone else. She said there wasn't. We talked about our friends and who we could confide in.
But that's a story for another day. I'm just glad to have taken this step.
