tedwords

“Recreate your life, always, always. Remove the stones, plant rose bushes and make sweets. Begin again.” Cora Coralina

I labored over it more than a month.

Before Thanksgiving bled into the week before Christmas. Christmas eve moved into Christmas. Every day or so I would call it up on my phone, read it, reread it, make changes, rework it a bit. It was the most difficult text message I ever sent. And finally, a few days after Christmas, I hit send.

"Dear Ashes, I wanted to send you a message to let you know I hope all is well and that I think of you often. I hope you and Dan had a nice Christmas. I also wanted you to know that the messages you sent—hard to believe over a year ago!—hurt deeply. I think because they were sent as text messages and are something one can look at over and over again, they are still are there to remind and hurt. I think of that often, too. From my perspective, the attack felt so out of left field, although clearly, it was something you had been thinking about for quite some time. What makes me feel the worst is that I don't feel I have been that terrible father at all. I tried hard to be active in all your lives and be there for you, and I do feel that is especially true with you. And I do think there are many happy times we both can look back on fondly. Yes, after you all grew out of your teens, I did try to start setting borders and living my own life. It's what my parents did, and I think it makes sense. But well into your twenties, even up until the day of your messages, I tried to provide support in so many ways. Just, I suppose, not as much as you were looking for. Anyway, the whole situation is sad. However, I do not think this is something that can simply be swept under the carpet. Both Corb and I were hurt by the comments, especially when you said you can “stop pretending that you like us.” I am not sure how to get beyond that. You may not see it, but the way you treat people has an impact, too. I do not think we really can get beyond this unless there is a sincere apology and discussion, and I don’t know if that’s something you feel comfortable doing. I am hopeful sending this to you will help. It may not, and if not, I just hope you are happy. There is nothing wrong with living life free of the baggage of things that really upset you—and if you feel stronger not having to deal with the baggage you feel we represent, I understand. I do feel sad that because of our rift, you don’t see your grandparents, who are now in their eighties, but that is between you and them. Anyway, wanted to send you a message to let you know how I feel, and tell you I love you, despite what took place. I really do hope you are in a happier place. Above all, I want you to be happy living life on your own terms. Peace, Dad"

And then, I held my breath. well actually, I went antiquing with Corb and his mom, who am I kidding.

I worried about how she would respond. Would she be angry? Would she say something that would hurt me even more?

A few hours later, I received my response.

"I want to start by apologizing for saying that I can stop pretending I ever liked you. That was in the heat of the moment, and I didn’t mean it and shouldn’t have said it. I love you both, and for reasons I mostly don’t even remember now was getting very easily upset with you last year...

...anyway, I’m sorry for a lot of the things that I said a year ago. I shouldn’t have said that I don’t like you guys, and I do miss you very much. I’ve been honestly feeling really depressed around the holidays. I completely understand you needing an apology, but part of what has had me holding off was feeling that there are also some things that maybe you could apologize for as well. I’m willing to take ownership for my part in it though."

It's a start. And over the course of the past few days, we have kept conversing. Mostly over books that we have read. I have recommended The Great When, she has recommended The Secret History by Donna Tartt. She says she is starting to see a therapist to discuss her anger issues.

It's going to be hard. Corb is still very hurt by what transpired. But maybe in 2026, we can start finding a way to heal. We can keep talking.

Tomorrow is always another day. Tomorrow is another opportunity to find a way to heal.